Anxiety – Blogs of Love,Life, and Anxiety

“The Hour Before You”

I carry the weight of a thousand pillows against my stomach,
because that is what it feels like in the pit of me during the hour before I see you.
Every time.

I dream of moments I wish would happen,
imagining how they might unfold
good or bad.

My heart races with every flutter
when your warm touch finds my shoulder, my foot, or any part of me.

I cannot fathom how I am supposed to slowly process the moment your eyes lock onto mine
when I can barely control the pulsating beats of my heart
or the thoughts already racing through my head.

I couldn’t tremble the words out
because I feared the possibility
that the ending I had already imagined
might become real
if I dared to confess what I feel.

But I don’t want to hold myself back
from another possibility anymore,
regardless of all my careful reasoning
or the fear that comes with finally speaking
the truth of my feelings for you.

I only wish I had the strength to conquer that fear,
no matter how this could unfold;
whether beautifully or painfully
but especially if the answer turns out to be the one I fear
after I finally unfurl the map of my affection before you.

I wonder how I became so smitten
by the ambiguous acts of kindness
you have shown me again and again.

And I wonder why I keep locking myself
out of even the possibility of affection.

Is my fear of rejection
constricting my ability to weave the words
for everything I have been longing to say
everything I have been longing to feel?

I have tried to spread my feelings thin,
yet my heart has only widened
after every fleeting moment I get to spend with you.

I know I must eventually relinquish
these secret tides of devotion I have kept for you.

But when I finally let them reach the shore,
will I recover if your tides don’t rise to meet mine?

Parallel or Intersecting Crush?

My reality shifts from the thought of the moments with each potential guy but only one comes up more in my mind.

My words start to stutter just from the start of a conversation with one.

The volume of my voice shrinks down to a mouse when I speak to him because my mind is trapped upon the crush I have on him.

My eyes wander and my heart flutters at the speed of helicopter wings for both but still way more for one than the other.

My mind unfortunately tries to protect me because it warps around the possibility that our interests may align or are parallel?

My heart continues to flutter, my pupils widen, my breathing is sporadic , and my thoughts are scattered on multitude of things once he got near me.

I then start to realize I have to rewind my mind and body back to reality.

I realize the frequency of the stars aligning of an interest I have in guys never intersected….

My hopes get crushed and I’m left defeated to believe in a reality of finding love was possible. I start to question kindness and generosity as a token of interest from men, but it was a mere exaggeration of hope for love from my brain.

The feeling of despair quickly ruminated my thoughts because finding the one seemed impossible for a guy like me.

I start to feel saddened to be brought back in belief that men I crushed on all the time didn’t like me back. It felt like I was back at the drawing board every time.

I even start to question my love life:

Will I ever destined to feel the romantic gut wrenching feeling you get that is depicted in romance movies ?

Will I ever be destined to feel the touch of warmth, compassion, and love ?

Will I ever be destined to meet the one ?

Will I ever be destined to feel like I’ve met my person finally after so many failed attempts?

Will I be destined to be single for fifty plus years ?

The feelings I have for both men are strong but only one captures my heart from even the smallest glance and interaction I have with him.

I just want to know still : Are the stars of interest aligning to intersect or be parallel?

I don’t want to feel trapped in a hope that will never happen.

I don’t want to misplace my heart into a sea of void.

I don’t want to have my mind wander for an of endless loop of dreams and hopes.

I don’t want to ever have my little star that’s shrinking every year to believe interest of my love was never possible…..

“Barriers and Rivers”

Tears rushed like a river off the cliff briskly from one eye
As you saw the barrier 

Another formed in your mind, cluttered with numerous negativities and endless hope of escaping. This causes another tear to form swiftly out of your other eye.

Your thoughts rumble with more and more things that are barriers to your escape from the demise of your freedom and peace 

All you ever wanted to grace your spirit for a moment of tranquility in your heart, so the beats you hear in your chest can slow down and you wouldn’t have to hear the impending beats pound in your ear as you lie down.

You want your mind to escape the thoughts of hopelessness that maybe your peace won’t come at all. It is so hard to believe in this when one detrimental, whether tiny or big, thing happens then another comes along right after.

You want clarity in your spirit, you want happiness to be embedded in your heart, and you want ease and lack of unhappy thoughts to control your brain.

You just wish for the peace and freedom to be in a better place and have some of the things you hope for and some of the things you sacrificed

You just wonder when it will come as your patience tightens like the width of a pencil

“Upholding Boundaries”

It’s still hard to believe that I have to maintain distance from certain
people to support my emotions

It doesn’t make sense how, in this world if you don’t set boundaries with
individuals, then you will have people cross you wrong or hurt you

This past year, I’ve had to constantly reiterate my boundaries and
Unfortunately, one person in particular failed to respect it

I don’t take lightly to anyone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, regardless
of if I share the same blood as them

Unfortunately, some people I share blood with failed to see and don’t even
try to fully see my pain but instead, only value the person who disrespected
my boundaries, my feelings, and my mental health

It brings me so much pain to have people fail to realize that I’m still in
pain from the aftermath of that individual, but now I’m in pain because people
don’t get it still

I understand I can’t control and force people to get my side of the story

But it doesn’t feel good, and it’s getting overly exhausting to have to explain
my feelings and boundaries over and over again. It makes me think that my
Emotions and pain don’t matter…

I just want to be by myself a lot lately cause of how much pain and anger I
have in me from people who failed to respect my boundaries, view my beliefs, my
anger, and my pain

It angers me and hurts me so much that I have dreams about getting vengeance
on those who don’t respect my boundaries and push them

I even have thoughts about moving away to another city to get away from
family and friends and just be on my own and start fresh

I know the things I stated above will only be a temporary fix to my feelings

But God, I just want this pain to go away again that I feel in my chest…

“The Idea of a Relationship is dying…”

I repressed a moment I had with a guy

Because maybe my mind didn’t want my heart to feel the pain I was going to feel when I processed it….

It was yet again the second time in July I was taken up by a guy mostly for external pleasures only….

I realized dating apps was of no use for me anymore in my life

Men would lure their eyes on my appearance and say they looked at my profile but some would look at my profile just to obtain their external desire they have on me…

It took these 2 men to make it clear to me that love is dying and finding a pure relationship from a genuine person is dying in this generation and even in millennials too….

It breaks my heart apart ….

Because every encounter I had that I wasn’t even trying to look for and did look for ended up exactly like the cycle I been in..

An endless cycle of men wanting me for non relationship purposes….but for my body mainly…

I would block and delete these men so effortlessly out my life but I realized it’s getting very tiring having to do this so much in this dreadful cycle…..

It’s been 4 months since my breakup of my first relationship via from tinder that lasted only 5 months and I still tend to wonder what was the point of that small length of intimacy….

I now get jealous,unhappy, and even frustrated again when I see couples and when my friends talk about their newly or continuing relationships…

I just wish I had a person to hold hands with, smile with, joke with, go on dates with, take car rides with , and travel the world with….

I get upset seeing examples of relationships and intimacy that I haven’t even obtain yet on tv or in person

I know I have a whole life ahead of me but going through this cycle makes it seem it’s not even possible to have a true long term relationship….

I hate to even say it but I believe love is dying but think it is for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true, long term, and genuine relationship that I dreamed about since I was 13 years old…..

“Disconnect due to the Faults of a Loved One”

I tried to reconcile and was able to see a fault I played between us two

But you didn’t acknowledge all your faults towards me with your behavior

You tried to justify your “control” over my life by saying “The things you did for me in my past of my life after my father passed away till I turned 19” was a lot for you to deal with it and that I’m not allowed to say “stop helping you” when it comes to your work cause your job triumphs my mental health apparently…

You fail to see your words were all connected to your faults

You fail to see you pure intention to be there for me was fake and not genuine enough

I started to even realize even more you will never change your toxic “controlling” & “ Lack of respect for my mental health”

You sat their with a notion already of not willing to accept all your faults towards me before I even arrived to talk to you

Thus made me realize you will never change your toxic behavior due to your lack of emotional intelligence and I refuse to allow you in my life ever again

You failed to realize that yesterday night was our last conversation with each other until God decides our last day on earth

I hope your proud that you’ve lost an “adult” in your small circle that you trust in your life….

I hope your happy that you can sleep peacefully knowing you hurt my heart and my brain with your toxic behavior

I hope you’re happy that you’ve lost one of your precious nephews and hope you don’t lose the other 2 out of your life…

I have no regrets removing you out of my life for the sake of my mental health, peace, and independence of my life

I just can’t believe you fail to realize your words you said to me in person was no different then your words you said via through text message……

“I Hate”

You made me give up 2 things I love in my life

You prance around in the office as if you didn't obliterate the things I cared about and love being with

How am I supposed to continue to be fake saying "Hi"?
When I don't want to and just want to say "Bye"?

I can't stand to be in a room near you 
I can't stand hearing about your life and how you believe work should triumph most of a person's life

I hate the way you smirk and say "We need to generate more revenue by working more and more"

I hate you 
Not even a little 
But honestly a lot
But I mostly hate you for taking away my passion of dance and I will never forgive you for that ever

I hate the way how god took away something from my boyfriend that he loves

I hate so deeply how its hurting him to deal with this and I can't do anything about it

But I mostly hate how I can't control the misfortunes of life and that I have to move on .....

“You Wonder & Wish”

All your life you wonder if anyone will want you for your interior and exterior and not only your exterior

Every year you wonder will your person show up before you turn a year older

You was starting to lose faith in the idea of finding love that you were starting to believe you’ll be single forever

It was until a glimpse of hope arrived on your phone

This man you found on a dating app and he likes you for more than your physical attributes but he likes you for interior attributes as well

He gives you hope that “love is possible” to happen between you two

You’ve dreamed of this moment since you were 15 years old

You’ve finally broke out of the dreadful cycle of seeing deceptive pawns

You’ve realized since you’ve finally found your “potential” long term partner will he truly be your one and only “long term partner” now…

Will investing your time and energy will be worth it if it doesn’t work out after 3 months

You hope and wish for the first man that saw you for your heart and looks is “your person” and you believe it can be finally him ….

God forbids my heart from being shattered into a million pieces if our relationship doesn’t work out

“Unrequited Infatuation”

How can I ever trust my heart and mind
They both had me to believe infatuation was reciprocated between us two

How could I believe small talk about life, compliments, and sharing information about each other lives and hobbies with an exchange of smiles and laughs was just being friendly?......

How could I ever believe my time, conversations with him and enjoyment on my face I had just by being near him and talking to him was any real connection of intimacy

Why must I fall pray to either unrequited or deceptive love!!!
Why me?

Why must "love" be hard for me to find?
But it is so much easier for everyone else that is in my life?

People tell me to try find it or stop trying to find it , but no matter what it always fails regardless

I just want to have one moment in my life where my love was reciprocated back, when I'm able to have a genuine romance, a first time date, a stroll across the lake holding hands with a guy downtown the city, a moment where I feel wanted from someone who wanted me for me and not only for my body

I just wish this all wasn't so hard for me

I trusted my heart in believing it was love at first sight with a glimpse, but you failed to listen to your heart

I realize my hope to find love was still slowly dissipating into oblivion

You still hope and wish for another door to open but you keep putting a timing on it
You hope to stop counting the years of loneliness and singleness

“Trying to Fill the Void ”

I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying.
Stop trying to believe change can come through
If I keep seeking out for the one.

Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.

I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there.
It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.

I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.

In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?

I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.

I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.

I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.

I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ?
I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?

I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……

I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……