Marquise Linnear

“The Hollow Den of the Heart”

The cold breeze disrupted the river formed from my heart’s rain.

I cannot fathom the number of reminders that constantly ruminate in my mind, while also reappearing day by day throughout my life.

I try to relinquish the agony from the gears of fate in my life, but most importantly, the gears of my love life continue to grind straight through my heart.

It is as if the cycles of love stories and the hopes I once wished for turn into unrequited despair and hopelessness within the span of a mere week or two.

I cannot fathom a moment in which I have truly been thought of and considered, only to later be forgotten and dismissed.

It destroys even the smallest spark in the sky, the kind you see from a firework, because my heart has grown weary from the attempts, and from being an attempt.

I wish for my soul to have a moment of peace from the desires of men who believe that my virtues and my goal of finding the love I have always dreamt of hold the importance of merely a leaf in comparison to an entire tree.

I wish for the sorrow born from these endless cycles of misfortune to finally be banished from the hollow den of my melancholy heart.

I just wanted to be taken seriously.
To be respected.
To not become a forgotten “no.”
To be considered.
To be assured.

But most of all, I wanted someone whose stars of love would intersect with mine.

I don’t know if that will ever be possible.

I’m not sure anymore.

And maybe…

I give up on trying.

“A Forgotten No”

My thoughts of you became constant reminders of how little you may have truly cared.

You gave false hope to the reality I created around you.

You allowed me to perceive you beneath a light that seemed generous, romantic, and thoughtful of others. Unfortunately, I fell through the webs of contradiction between the person I perceived and the person your actions eventually revealed.

Your temporary “yes” was only a notion; a glimpse into a waking state of romance that was never going to happen.

Maybe it was meant to comfort me in the moment, but in the end, that “yes” revealed itself as nothing more than a forgotten “no.”

I wish my feelings and my heart had never wrapped themselves around the idea that your intentions toward dating were aligned with mine. Unfortunately, just like the others, you became something like a passing cloud . A cloud beautiful enough to stop and admire, but never something that intended to stay.

I was a fool to believe I ever had a chance with you, or perhaps with any of the men before you, because our intentions toward love were always parallel. I kept waiting for the lines to intersect, only to realize they were never traveling toward the same destination at all.

I became baffled by how God continues to place men in my path who make me question not only my belief in love, but my belief that love could ever find me.

And somewhere within all of this, I realized something else:

My presence may have been appreciated, but my thoughts, my feelings, and the reality of my own life never seemed to hold the same importance as yours. Your thorny path through life always seemed to require understanding, patience, and consideration, while mine remained somewhere in the background.

And I cannot fathom entertaining, or envisioning a future with, someone who makes me feel that my inner world deserves less consideration than his own.

I wish my soul had never blossomed a rose filled with hope, curiosity, and dreams of what could have existed between us.

Because now that rose feels foolish for ever believing it could survive in soil where it was never meant to be planted.

I was a fool to believe your eyes could ever envision me through the lens I desperately wanted to be seen through.

I wanted you to look at me and see possibility of the following:

Romance.

Tenderness.

Someone worth choosing.

But I was wrong.

Your eyes were never looking through the same lens of romance.

And perhaps that is what hurts the most;

you were just like the others.

“Through a Different Lens”

The burrow of pain shocked my stomach once I heard those words slip out of your mouth.

It left me feeling defeated to know that you may never see me through the lens of romance because casual was your desire all along.

I allowed myself to dream of a life full of flowers, cuddles, cheers, and many more harmonious adventures that I thought were possible for us to share together. I was wrong. Those hopes and wishes shattered and were placed into a room filled with an empty void; a room I no longer wanted to open.

My heart was in disbelief at your expectations of dating culture because they did not align with what my eyes had imagined.

For that reason, my stomach had to release the pillows of butterflies.

For that reason, my voice no longer felt the chains wrapped around it whenever I saw you.

For that reason, I no longer felt the desire to believe that one day a flower could blossom between our hearts; that our paths could intersect instead of always remaining parallel.

I cannot fathom the recoil of pain my heart has undertaken from this. It has left waves of sorrow flooding my eyes, while my thoughts begin connecting every past attempt at finding love and labeling them as failures.

Maybe even seeing you now will become a reminder of another failed attempt in this painful cycle.

I cannot relinquish the amount of sorrow living within me in a single day, so I know I have to break it apart and carry it day by day.

I really thought the possibility of us, the possibility of two, was a chance for my misfortunes in finding the one to finally be over.

But maybe I was given a blessing that remained incognito until the moment it ruptured my spirit of love and romance.

I know I will heal the sorrow within my heart and mind. Unfortunately, I am unsure how long that healing will take.

But most importantly, I wonder:

Will I ever try again?

Will I ever confess my feelings for someone again, knowing they may never see me through the lens of romantic love, but only as a casual embrace?

Will I ever allow the butterflies to return, knowing how painfully they can leave?

“The Hour Before You”

I carry the weight of a thousand pillows against my stomach,
because that is what it feels like in the pit of me during the hour before I see you.
Every time.

I dream of moments I wish would happen,
imagining how they might unfold
good or bad.

My heart races with every flutter
when your warm touch finds my shoulder, my foot, or any part of me.

I cannot fathom how I am supposed to slowly process the moment your eyes lock onto mine
when I can barely control the pulsating beats of my heart
or the thoughts already racing through my head.

I couldn’t tremble the words out
because I feared the possibility
that the ending I had already imagined
might become real
if I dared to confess what I feel.

But I don’t want to hold myself back
from another possibility anymore,
regardless of all my careful reasoning
or the fear that comes with finally speaking
the truth of my feelings for you.

I only wish I had the strength to conquer that fear,
no matter how this could unfold;
whether beautifully or painfully
but especially if the answer turns out to be the one I fear
after I finally unfurl the map of my affection before you.

I wonder how I became so smitten
by the ambiguous acts of kindness
you have shown me again and again.

And I wonder why I keep locking myself
out of even the possibility of affection.

Is my fear of rejection
constricting my ability to weave the words
for everything I have been longing to say
everything I have been longing to feel?

I have tried to spread my feelings thin,
yet my heart has only widened
after every fleeting moment I get to spend with you.

I know I must eventually relinquish
these secret tides of devotion I have kept for you.

But when I finally let them reach the shore,
will I recover if your tides don’t rise to meet mine?

Parallel or Intersecting Crush?

My reality shifts from the thought of the moments with each potential guy but only one comes up more in my mind.

My words start to stutter just from the start of a conversation with one.

The volume of my voice shrinks down to a mouse when I speak to him because my mind is trapped upon the crush I have on him.

My eyes wander and my heart flutters at the speed of helicopter wings for both but still way more for one than the other.

My mind unfortunately tries to protect me because it warps around the possibility that our interests may align or are parallel?

My heart continues to flutter, my pupils widen, my breathing is sporadic , and my thoughts are scattered on multitude of things once he got near me.

I then start to realize I have to rewind my mind and body back to reality.

I realize the frequency of the stars aligning of an interest I have in guys never intersected….

My hopes get crushed and I’m left defeated to believe in a reality of finding love was possible. I start to question kindness and generosity as a token of interest from men, but it was a mere exaggeration of hope for love from my brain.

The feeling of despair quickly ruminated my thoughts because finding the one seemed impossible for a guy like me.

I start to feel saddened to be brought back in belief that men I crushed on all the time didn’t like me back. It felt like I was back at the drawing board every time.

I even start to question my love life:

Will I ever destined to feel the romantic gut wrenching feeling you get that is depicted in romance movies ?

Will I ever be destined to feel the touch of warmth, compassion, and love ?

Will I ever be destined to meet the one ?

Will I ever be destined to feel like I’ve met my person finally after so many failed attempts?

Will I be destined to be single for fifty plus years ?

The feelings I have for both men are strong but only one captures my heart from even the smallest glance and interaction I have with him.

I just want to know still : Are the stars of interest aligning to intersect or be parallel?

I don’t want to feel trapped in a hope that will never happen.

I don’t want to misplace my heart into a sea of void.

I don’t want to have my mind wander for an of endless loop of dreams and hopes.

I don’t want to ever have my little star that’s shrinking every year to believe interest of my love was never possible…..

“Seen by Lust, Never by Love”

Every Fleeting thought transpired like the blink of an eye when I conjured up a thought of each guy.

Each guy, I so happen to believe there was a chance of something, but
It was just an itch, or should I say their eyes of lust were captured seeing my bold black skin

Every encounter I had with a man who had lustful eyes for me as a potential for more

It was a constant reminder that I deserved more than what I endured and put myself through

As I heard each word come from their mouths, I felt each blow of pain behind each story they told me.

I could feel the loneliness that dwelt in their eyes, for the spark of sunlight had vanished and turned into smoke as time passed.

I could feel the anger ebb from their soul because each word from an ex made their fists clench and their pupils widen.

I could see how time passed by more for them than me because of age, but also because they've endured through several trials and tribulations.

I start to question how much time will pass for me.

Will I receive temptations to be deceived into lustful eyes of men, or have I already fallen prey to it?

I don't want to be tempted by the men I've encountered.

I want to continue to wish for sparkly romance, the spark of happiness you feel in your stomach and heart once you realize your crush likes you back.

The way you feel when you kick your feet in the air when they say something that makes your heart flutter

The spark of just realizing they consider and think of you just as much as you do for them.

I just want to know how much I have to endure because I see through the eyes of some men who couldn't anymore and gave up

I still want to fight for love and be patient on this journey of finding the one.

“Repressed”

Person in dark raincoat sitting alone on a wet wooden bench in the rain

I repressed the moments I had with you

I didn't want to feel the dread.
The dread of how you pushed a story of honoring boundaries, age equity, and verbal respect.
The stars did not align in the story; they scattered into oblivion.

I repressed the thought of your voice at the end, which lacked comfort.

I repressed the countless messages I thought could be just a goodbye, but turned into a way for a person's words to turn into bullets of cruelty.

I repressed the generosity you showed because it fled instantly like a cheetah.

I repressed the chemistry we had because you began to believe my love owed you; it was as if my heart had to stand on trial every fleeting second I interacted with you.

I repressed ever believing that you live across many pages of my story, but in reality, there was only room for you in one.

I was unfortunate to be cursed with one more disaster that I wanted to repress as the world leaves changed from orange to green.

He challenged my belief in love, but only because his glass of hope in finding it ran out.
He described the horrors of how love can put your brain on fire, lose trust in shared responsibility, and damage your belief in feeling verbally and emotionally safe.
He dared to put me in the same box as these men of horror.

I cannot fathom the decision to partition me from the truth of who I am, only to categorize me among the failed trials of love.
My heart was pushed through the pain as I realized it did not matter how much testimony I pleaded before you. Your heart never found belief in mine, and instead chose distance inside the void.

I repress the pain.
I repress the tears.
I repress the agony.
I repress the intimacy.

But I refuse to repress the idea that love is still possible.

“Flesh over Feeling”

The eyes of some men only desire my flesh. Their minds are tailored to one objective, and that is my body.
I can’t quite understand how a deeply loving mindset and heart can provide such a strong connection, only to be degraded and dismissed like an empty surface.
It’s because my flesh is more critical to the naked eyes of some men. I once thought it would be different for me as a gay man, but I learned years ago that this struggle will be everlasting.
Some men can’t even fathom holding a deep conversation or building a genuine connection.
There’s a lack of conversational effort, vagueness, and surface-level words. I find myself spinning, searching for even a small grace of reciprocation for all the energy I’m pouring into the conversation.
It seems that building a connection is too exhausting for some men, even at the very beginning. Weaving the threads of something meaningful feels too much work, so they retreat into vagueness, assuming you’ll stick around for whatever scraps they give.
I’ve found that many men elicit their desire for flesh more readily than their desire for connection, because it’s easier. They don’t realize how much damage they cause with this cycle, how selfishly they destroy someone else’s hopes and needs just to serve themselves.
A person should be desired for how their personality shines through conversation. The desires of the flesh shouldn’t come first, not in the beginning stages. Building connections and deepening them through meaningful dialogue and shared experiences should be the standard.
When you fail to offer that and show up with selfishness and greed instead of presence and care, you drain the hope and joy from someone’s heart.
Love should be possible. But as I’ve learned, it’s much harder to obtain because some men’s eyes and minds are blinded by selfishness, lack of decorum, and disrespect.

“Barriers and Rivers”

Tears rushed like a river off the cliff briskly from one eye
As you saw the barrier 

Another formed in your mind, cluttered with numerous negativities and endless hope of escaping. This causes another tear to form swiftly out of your other eye.

Your thoughts rumble with more and more things that are barriers to your escape from the demise of your freedom and peace 

All you ever wanted to grace your spirit for a moment of tranquility in your heart, so the beats you hear in your chest can slow down and you wouldn’t have to hear the impending beats pound in your ear as you lie down.

You want your mind to escape the thoughts of hopelessness that maybe your peace won’t come at all. It is so hard to believe in this when one detrimental, whether tiny or big, thing happens then another comes along right after.

You want clarity in your spirit, you want happiness to be embedded in your heart, and you want ease and lack of unhappy thoughts to control your brain.

You just wish for the peace and freedom to be in a better place and have some of the things you hope for and some of the things you sacrificed

You just wonder when it will come as your patience tightens like the width of a pencil

“Erasing Hopes and Feelings”

I'm trying to get the images of us I had in my head
Out of my head 

I wanted it to be real 
I wanted to feel it 
Feel the warmth of your heart with my head near your chest

I just wanted to have a win
Where someone I like…. like me back

The feelings are disappearing….but slowly 

As I talk to you more and more
it gets harder to erase the romantic images of us
Out of my mind

I'm trying to destroy my feelings for you, but the hard part is that I don't want it to go away 

It was your smile 

Your presence as you walked onto the sand
As you walked closer and closer to me
The feelings I had for you were so strong at that moment

But I know I can't see you in that way anymore 
Because the clarity was stated already
I have let go of my hopes and dreams I had thought about having with you

I wanted it to be you so badly
Until I understood last week that you didn't want it to be me 
I will get through this, but I'm not sure how long this will take for me………