Tag Archives: life

Parallel or Intersecting Crush?

My reality shifts from the thought of the moments with each potential guy but only one comes up more in my mind.

My words start to stutter just from the start of a conversation with one.

The volume of my voice shrinks down to a mouse when I speak to him because my mind is trapped upon the crush I have on him.

My eyes wander and my heart flutters at the speed of helicopter wings for both but still way more for one than the other.

My mind unfortunately tries to protect me because it warps around the possibility that our interests may align or are parallel?

My heart continues to flutter, my pupils widen, my breathing is sporadic , and my thoughts are scattered on multitude of things once he got near me.

I then start to realize I have to rewind my mind and body back to reality.

I realize the frequency of the stars aligning of an interest I have in guys never intersected….

My hopes get crushed and I’m left defeated to believe in a reality of finding love was possible. I start to question kindness and generosity as a token of interest from men, but it was a mere exaggeration of hope for love from my brain.

The feeling of despair quickly ruminated my thoughts because finding the one seemed impossible for a guy like me.

I start to feel saddened to be brought back in belief that men I crushed on all the time didn’t like me back. It felt like I was back at the drawing board every time.

I even start to question my love life:

Will I ever destined to feel the romantic gut wrenching feeling you get that is depicted in romance movies ?

Will I ever be destined to feel the touch of warmth, compassion, and love ?

Will I ever be destined to meet the one ?

Will I ever be destined to feel like I’ve met my person finally after so many failed attempts?

Will I be destined to be single for fifty plus years ?

The feelings I have for both men are strong but only one captures my heart from even the smallest glance and interaction I have with him.

I just want to know still : Are the stars of interest aligning to intersect or be parallel?

I don’t want to feel trapped in a hope that will never happen.

I don’t want to misplace my heart into a sea of void.

I don’t want to have my mind wander for an of endless loop of dreams and hopes.

I don’t want to ever have my little star that’s shrinking every year to believe interest of my love was never possible…..

“Repressed”

Person in dark raincoat sitting alone on a wet wooden bench in the rain
I repressed the moments I had with you 

I didn't want to feel the dread.
The dread of how you pushed a story of honoring boundaries, age equity, and verbal respect.
The stars did not align in the story; they scattered into oblivion.



I repressed the thought of your voice at the end, which lacked comfort.

I repressed the countless messages I thought could be just a goodbye, but turned into a way for a person's words to turn into bullets of cruelty.

I repressed the generosity you showed because it fled instantly like a cheetah.

I repressed the chemistry we had because you began to believe my love owed you; it was as if my heart had to stand on trial every fleeting second I interacted with you.

I repressed ever believing that you live across many pages of my story, but in reality, there was only room for you in one.


I was unfortunate to be cursed with one more disaster that I wanted to repress as the world leaves changed from orange to green.

He challenged my belief in love, but only because his glass of hope in finding it ran out.
He described the horrors of how love can put your brain on fire, lose trust in shared responsibility,  and damage your belief in feeling verbally and emotionally safe.
He dared to put me in the same box as these men of horror.

I cannot fathom the decision to partition me from the truth of who I am, only to categorize me among the failed trials of love.
My heart was pushed through the pain as I realized it did not matter how much testimony I pleaded before you. Your heart never found belief in mine, and instead chose distance inside the void.

I repress the pain.
I repress the tears.
I repress the agony.
I repress the intimacy.

But I refuse to repress the idea that love is still possible.