life – Blogs of Love,Life, and Anxiety

“The Hollow Den of the Heart”

The cold breeze disrupted the river formed from my heart’s rain.

I cannot fathom the number of reminders that constantly ruminate in my mind, while also reappearing day by day throughout my life.

I try to relinquish the agony from the gears of fate in my life, but most importantly, the gears of my love life continue to grind straight through my heart.

It is as if the cycles of love stories and the hopes I once wished for turn into unrequited despair and hopelessness within the span of a mere week or two.

I cannot fathom a moment in which I have truly been thought of and considered, only to later be forgotten and dismissed.

It destroys even the smallest spark in the sky, the kind you see from a firework, because my heart has grown weary from the attempts, and from being an attempt.

I wish for my soul to have a moment of peace from the desires of men who believe that my virtues and my goal of finding the love I have always dreamt of hold the importance of merely a leaf in comparison to an entire tree.

I wish for the sorrow born from these endless cycles of misfortune to finally be banished from the hollow den of my melancholy heart.

I just wanted to be taken seriously.
To be respected.
To not become a forgotten “no.”
To be considered.
To be assured.

But most of all, I wanted someone whose stars of love would intersect with mine.

I don’t know if that will ever be possible.

I’m not sure anymore.

And maybe…

I give up on trying.

“A Forgotten No”

My thoughts of you became constant reminders of how little you may have truly cared.

You gave false hope to the reality I created around you.

You allowed me to perceive you beneath a light that seemed generous, romantic, and thoughtful of others. Unfortunately, I fell through the webs of contradiction between the person I perceived and the person your actions eventually revealed.

Your temporary “yes” was only a notion; a glimpse into a waking state of romance that was never going to happen.

Maybe it was meant to comfort me in the moment, but in the end, that “yes” revealed itself as nothing more than a forgotten “no.”

I wish my feelings and my heart had never wrapped themselves around the idea that your intentions toward dating were aligned with mine. Unfortunately, just like the others, you became something like a passing cloud . A cloud beautiful enough to stop and admire, but never something that intended to stay.

I was a fool to believe I ever had a chance with you, or perhaps with any of the men before you, because our intentions toward love were always parallel. I kept waiting for the lines to intersect, only to realize they were never traveling toward the same destination at all.

I became baffled by how God continues to place men in my path who make me question not only my belief in love, but my belief that love could ever find me.

And somewhere within all of this, I realized something else:

My presence may have been appreciated, but my thoughts, my feelings, and the reality of my own life never seemed to hold the same importance as yours. Your thorny path through life always seemed to require understanding, patience, and consideration, while mine remained somewhere in the background.

And I cannot fathom entertaining, or envisioning a future with, someone who makes me feel that my inner world deserves less consideration than his own.

I wish my soul had never blossomed a rose filled with hope, curiosity, and dreams of what could have existed between us.

Because now that rose feels foolish for ever believing it could survive in soil where it was never meant to be planted.

I was a fool to believe your eyes could ever envision me through the lens I desperately wanted to be seen through.

I wanted you to look at me and see possibility of the following:

Romance.

Tenderness.

Someone worth choosing.

But I was wrong.

Your eyes were never looking through the same lens of romance.

And perhaps that is what hurts the most;

you were just like the others.

Parallel or Intersecting Crush?

My reality shifts from the thought of the moments with each potential guy but only one comes up more in my mind.

My words start to stutter just from the start of a conversation with one.

The volume of my voice shrinks down to a mouse when I speak to him because my mind is trapped upon the crush I have on him.

My eyes wander and my heart flutters at the speed of helicopter wings for both but still way more for one than the other.

My mind unfortunately tries to protect me because it warps around the possibility that our interests may align or are parallel?

My heart continues to flutter, my pupils widen, my breathing is sporadic , and my thoughts are scattered on multitude of things once he got near me.

I then start to realize I have to rewind my mind and body back to reality.

I realize the frequency of the stars aligning of an interest I have in guys never intersected….

My hopes get crushed and I’m left defeated to believe in a reality of finding love was possible. I start to question kindness and generosity as a token of interest from men, but it was a mere exaggeration of hope for love from my brain.

The feeling of despair quickly ruminated my thoughts because finding the one seemed impossible for a guy like me.

I start to feel saddened to be brought back in belief that men I crushed on all the time didn’t like me back. It felt like I was back at the drawing board every time.

I even start to question my love life:

Will I ever destined to feel the romantic gut wrenching feeling you get that is depicted in romance movies ?

Will I ever be destined to feel the touch of warmth, compassion, and love ?

Will I ever be destined to meet the one ?

Will I ever be destined to feel like I’ve met my person finally after so many failed attempts?

Will I be destined to be single for fifty plus years ?

The feelings I have for both men are strong but only one captures my heart from even the smallest glance and interaction I have with him.

I just want to know still : Are the stars of interest aligning to intersect or be parallel?

I don’t want to feel trapped in a hope that will never happen.

I don’t want to misplace my heart into a sea of void.

I don’t want to have my mind wander for an of endless loop of dreams and hopes.

I don’t want to ever have my little star that’s shrinking every year to believe interest of my love was never possible…..

“Repressed”

Person in dark raincoat sitting alone on a wet wooden bench in the rain

I repressed the moments I had with you

I didn't want to feel the dread.
The dread of how you pushed a story of honoring boundaries, age equity, and verbal respect.
The stars did not align in the story; they scattered into oblivion.

I repressed the thought of your voice at the end, which lacked comfort.

I repressed the countless messages I thought could be just a goodbye, but turned into a way for a person's words to turn into bullets of cruelty.

I repressed the generosity you showed because it fled instantly like a cheetah.

I repressed the chemistry we had because you began to believe my love owed you; it was as if my heart had to stand on trial every fleeting second I interacted with you.

I repressed ever believing that you live across many pages of my story, but in reality, there was only room for you in one.

I was unfortunate to be cursed with one more disaster that I wanted to repress as the world leaves changed from orange to green.

He challenged my belief in love, but only because his glass of hope in finding it ran out.
He described the horrors of how love can put your brain on fire, lose trust in shared responsibility, and damage your belief in feeling verbally and emotionally safe.
He dared to put me in the same box as these men of horror.

I cannot fathom the decision to partition me from the truth of who I am, only to categorize me among the failed trials of love.
My heart was pushed through the pain as I realized it did not matter how much testimony I pleaded before you. Your heart never found belief in mine, and instead chose distance inside the void.

I repress the pain.
I repress the tears.
I repress the agony.
I repress the intimacy.

But I refuse to repress the idea that love is still possible.