It was if I was tested.
Tested on whether I should continue to seek “love” or let it seek “me”.
I come across people I find attractive every single time, but I remind myself that it wont end in the way that you think.
There are times when I see chances of what could have been something with a particular guy.

Then I realize it will not end in the way how I want it to be at all because he just using me.
I tell myself to stop thinking every person you potentially meet and that could potentially find me attractive will hurt me or just want my body for “fun” or whatever amusement they want from me.

I know this world is scary and I am bound to have a heartbreak, but God that is scary as hell to believe my heart could not even take a simple man not wanting me for “love”.
Can you imagine how my heart would be once I get in a relationship, and it do not work out after a year or two?
I would be devastated that tightening feeling around my chest would stay even longer!

I know I have focus on the good with this all but god. Do I have too emotion with every person I find attractive and talk to just at a first glance?
This is a major flaw in my personality of putting all my emotions once I meet someone attractive. I must learn to hold back the depth of my emotions, or I would continue to feel like a knife is being stabbed in my chest after a failed attempt of being in my first relationship

I feel like being a “hopeless romantic” is what everyone wants because we put our all in to showing you, we like or love you. The con of being a “hopeless romantic” is that since we put our all in to liking or loving someone, we start to see it does not work out like we play it in our heads, we are instantly crushed like a squirrel that was killed by a car’s tire.

I just want to stop playing this stupid game, test, or trial of having to know whether any person I find attractive will hurt me, even though I cannot tell when or where I will get hurt by them.
I know I must let life and God show me not everyone will hurt me and that I know I still have not met all the people who are going to love me in my life.

I just wish sometimes I didn't feel as much as you're supposed to when you first talk to someone you really like....

I’ve never imagined a day where I would be a person in this situation. A situation where I couldn’t even believe that would happen to me. I was harassed and continue to be despite me saying no several times. In the moment I felt so stuck that I couldn’t even deepen my voice and that I was literally panicking as my hear-my  heart was racing. I tried to believe  I was okay but the more I had to constantly  tell this man no , the more I felt stuck and more upset. I was lost and now I’m thinking what is about to happen to me. Is this going  to be repeat of my other incident that happened to me in 2014. It was the fact that he even  asked me “ want to have fun” and to even say “I’ll pay” as if I was some worthless boy looking for body to body contact and his pitiful money. I felt so degraded and angry that he said that to me. I tried to step away several times and he still persist but it wasn’t until the 7th time that he finally left me alone for good. 



I try to stop playing it in my head, but it just won’t go away and l don’t  know why and it’s hurting me. Am I  really seen as only good for body to body contact and not love. It was as if I’m a magnet to perpetual men that just want to get their fix for a little fun with love never even being offered. This is the reason why I’m hurt after this incident and some may say I’m over exaggerating but I’m not. It as If I continue to be seen as an object for body to body contact to men on apps and apparently now even in real life. When will true love ever come knocking on my door? I wonder as I try to forget but no it continues on , another man decides to ask if I’m free and now I can’t forget the incident. 

I wish it was easy to forget as normal people could but I can’t . I’m seeking “LOVE” not “FUN” so please hear me out and understand I’m  not a one night stand. I’m a   Man of love and man of marriage. 

As I get myself ready to go into the office, I realize that the pain didn’t fade away completely.
It was still there and I’m not referring to my shoulder. I’m referring to the emotional pain I’m still having from him.
I try to shrug it off as I continue to struggle to dress myself to get ready to go to the office downtown. I knew I had to get out of the house because going downtown brings me joy and can help keep my mind off things, especially this “love gone wrong” emotional pain I’m feeling. 

As I look across the window waiting for my friend after a day of work, all I could think about is how you could possibly show up.

I wondered if you showed up, would I try to curse you out?
Will I mean mug you so bad that you walk away from me?
Will you even care to confront me if I did take off my mask?
I thought about how much you hurt me, but I bet you didn’t even care nor realize. 
I decided to not let you see how much it hurts and instead turn this pain into a lesson.
Even though a week has passed since the day I knew you weren’t the one for me it still lingers. 
The lingering and tightening feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry nonstop.

This was when I realized I'm still hurting unfortunately. The pain is fading but it’s like 5 to 10% is still there. I wonder if it's a reminder for me to not download the app ever again or just that I'm not over it?

I try to repeat a verse from the Bible, Corinthian 13:4-8, to help ease my mind and heart when I want to explode into tears. This coping mechanism helps a lot and I’m glad It works but it’s still not 100% effective. 

I hope this feeling fades away for good, but I just wonder when?
When will it stop……?

It still hurts to believe you could have been something 
I was getting so excited to share about you to my friends 
I can’t believe I allowed myself to think that you wanted to be a part of my life 
I was just another guy that was too interested in you and that you maybe didn’t feel the same way about 
You called me “cute” and “handsome” and “adorable” but did you really mean it all??…
Did any guy ever mean any of the words they say to me at all??
Are they really interested in me for real or do they know since I’m a hopeless romantic they’re taking advantage of that factor??
I’m still hurting, and I know I am because I feel this tightening feeling in the center of my chest every time a tear drops from my cheeks
I know I’m still hurting cause I’m crying as I write this still 
I just really believed and thought you liked me but you’re too busy with your own life that you barely even reached back to talk to me
I just wanted someone to tell me straight up…. are they in it for “love” or “fun”?

I wonder if he just wanted “fun” from me and pretended to like me all this time 
It honestly feels a part of me is mad at myself for feeling like this but another part of me is in so much emotional pain that I can’t bear to stand up and do anything 

I want this feeling to go away as soon as possible. I just don’t know how?
I don’t know why it feels like I been hit with a hammer in my chest 

I’m trying to bear the pain and transfer it to music, crying, taking a day to myself, and writing this but none of it is working, not even my anxiety medication. 
I want this feeling to stop, and I want to stop hurting… I just wish I knew how immediately but I don’t, and I’m lost ……

I’m sorry that you craved for something to be so real with him and it never did.
I’m sorry that you expected that you were going on your first date with him.
I’m sorry that you kept imagining that you both were completely 100% interested in each other.
I’m sorry that you let your heart rate increase and you second guess your decisions because you were so nervous to facetime him.
I’m sorry that even though you were working , you still hopelessly  anticipated for him to text or call back.
I’m sorry that you got so hopeful for him to be one way, but you now realize he’s not turning out the way that you thought.
I’m sorry that you put yourself through this again knowing how it always goes with men on apps.
I’m sorry that you want to explode into tears because you thought he would be “different” than the others.

I'm sorry your heart feels as if it keeps getting ripped out every time you think you feel a connection with someone.
I'm sorry you got way too emotionally involved with him that you thought it was going to be something special.
I'm sorry that you wish you never open yourself to guys.
I'm sorry that he didn't take much effort in trying to talk to you as you did with him.

I’m sorry 
I’m sorry 

Your love, your time , your devotion , and interest in wanting “love” is not being taken seriously and you're deeply hurting once again..... I’m sorry Marquise and I know you wish you weren't.
 I know you're in tears as you write this as you hurt, but you must keep faith in yourself that the one will find you soon and you won't have to feel sorry anymore.....

I hope it will be you. 
Maybe you could be the one.
The one that would finally allow me to get off these god-awful apps.
To be the one who liked me as much as I like you 
I want you to be the one to take me on my first date.
The one to hold my hand on a night out downtown or in a movie.
The one who will make me blush with just the first glance they have when they look at me. 

I say to myself “Marquise why are you constantly looking at the phone for him to text back?”
I tell myself to stop it and enjoy your day before your shoulder surgery tomorrow.

I try telling myself the following:
If he cared, he would have responded to check up on you and see how you’re doing.
People that genuinely want to get to know you would try to do so.

I started to wonder if he is even the person that he claims, and I even tried to find him but no results. I’m even wondering if I am getting catfish. I tell myself how when he said he would meet in person to tell me more about himself. 

I still look at my phone just hopelessly wondering is he the person that he says he is? Does he have the same virtues and expectations as me in what I’m looking for? Does he just want me for my “love” or my “body”?

I tell myself to stop worrying about this, but I don’t want to because it’s keeping my mind occupied about my shoulder surgery tomorrow.
It just brings me to tears that I keep expecting high hopes for things to change on these apps if I give myself a break from it. It seems like every time I get back on them, I hope and wish for someone to be “different” and to match my virtues & values but no “it never fails”. I bring myself to tears wishing for a moment in my life where I felt so appreciated, like in high school, that someone like me back. I force myself to believe I will probably get that same feeling from someone on these apps soon. 
Maybe I just need to stop it once for all, but I’m still wondering how to cope with this all. This dreaded feeling of being single, but I only feel like this every once or twice a year, but I wish to stop feeling like this forever.

I want to feel happy that I’m finally getting relief with my arm, but I also want to feel relieved knowing if he will be my first relationship or just another horny guy…...

I don’t understand why I put myself in situations where I know the outcome of it all.

The outcome where I redownload the app thinking he’s nice and sweet and interested in me.

I could possibly find someone willing to date me for the first time …but no it doesn't go that way at all.

I constantly get the worst outcomes with guys on apps.

I get the ones that want to have “fun”, the ones that talk to me for about 3 hours and then never replies back again. 

I get the ones who blocks me after a few conversations, and I get ones who just doesn’t even reply back.

The agony I feel when this relative cycle keeps happening to me and I continue to look stupid. 

I say this because I know the “outcome” of how these dating apps turn out for me, but I continue to go back to it.

I wonder is it because it feels like I’m missing something in my life or is it because I’m still yearning for a partner. 

I continue to keep thinking someday I will have a day where someone fits well with, what I want in a guy, and they’ll show on the app. I should know to stop thinking so imaginative that a guy like this would pop up because "it never fails".

I continue to have hopes of thinking maybe this time it will change if I give it another try but no it doesn’t. There are still men in this world who thinks “love is a joke and having fun is better than it”.


I wish our generation wouldn’t think like this and there are even people in relationships or even married and still on dating apps which makes no sense. 

It almost as if you’re rubbing your love into us single men face. 

It feels even worse when us single men who genuinely want a relationship, but our hearts get toyed with like a puppet by guys who could care less about love.
They say the right things to us like the following: "anything for you", "I like when you're vulnerable with me", and "I like that your so open with me". Then they just vanish or block you like you were nothing as if it was something you said or did wrong, but you know you didn't at all......


I’m trying to understand the dating world, but I am having less and less faith that I will find someone who have the same virtues and values as me about "love".