I always thought to myself why I must shake in fear. The fear of having anything that can have my heartbeat go from 80 to 122 beats per minute. This fear dreads from my perception of what it feels to step inside a place to check my health. Yes, you guessed it correctly I’m talking about the doctor’s office. I instantly feel my heartbeat increase so much that it’s as if my heartbeat through my chest and it’s almost like a hammer beating on a nail sometimes. The fear doesn’t even stop there because my anxiety makes me have multiple fears unfortunately. This fear of rejection is my second greatest fear. The more I get rejected from anything in my life such as jobs or love interests it becomes as if a knife becomes closer and closer to stabbing my chest. Once I get rejected too much it is as if the knife punctures through the skin off my chest and now, I’m bleeding. These fears together make my heart pound so much it’s as if someone is playing drums on it. Now it’s as if my body shuts down and now, I feel stuck. Stuck in a maze that has an endless route. I start to grasp for air and suddenly lose sight of how to even grasp for air correctly. As I struggle to grasp for even a liter of air, the endless puddle of tears comes dripping out my eyes. This fear of rejection and the fear of my health are just two of many triggers that can cause this overwhelming panic attack to occur. It is as if the human body can only emotionally take so much strain in the mind that it goes berserk if too much is put on it. I would love it if my heart wouldn’t run a race so much and so I can feel as if I’m okay. I wish it was that simple, but no it’s not for me. Anxiety plays a trick on my mind to tell my heart there is danger from these triggers and even my stomach and nervous system too. I wish for normalcy with my anxiety and soon hope my heart and my mind can stop running this race to an oblivion track route.
I don’t understand why I put myself in situations where I know the outcome of it all.
The outcome where I redownload the app thinking he’s nice and sweet and interested in me.
I could possibly find someone willing to date me for the first time …but no it doesn't go that way at all.
I constantly get the worst outcomes with guys on apps.
I get the ones that want to have “fun”, the ones that talk to me for about 3 hours and then never replies back again.
I get the ones who blocks me after a few conversations, and I get ones who just doesn’t even reply back.
The agony I feel when this relative cycle keeps happening to me and I continue to look stupid.
I say this because I know the “outcome” of how these dating apps turn out for me, but I continue to go back to it.
I wonder is it because it feels like I’m missing something in my life or is it because I’m still yearning for a partner.
I continue to keep thinking someday I will have a day where someone fits well with, what I want in a guy, and they’ll show on the app. I should know to stop thinking so imaginative that a guy like this would pop up because "it never fails".
I continue to have hopes of thinking maybe this time it will change if I give it another try but no it doesn’t. There are still men in this world who thinks “love is a joke and having fun is better than it”.
I wish our generation wouldn’t think like this and there are even people in relationships or even married and still on dating apps which makes no sense.
It almost as if you’re rubbing your love into us single men face.
It feels even worse when us single men who genuinely want a relationship, but our hearts get toyed with like a puppet by guys who could care less about love.
They say the right things to us like the following: "anything for you", "I like when you're vulnerable with me", and "I like that your so open with me". Then they just vanish or block you like you were nothing as if it was something you said or did wrong, but you know you didn't at all......
I’m trying to understand the dating world, but I am having less and less faith that I will find someone who have the same virtues and values as me about "love".
You start to feel the trigger as your brain hears that melody
The Melody from the kiss breakdown song from the movie you always adore and love because it made you release the emotions you have inside, but this melody is too strong for you to handle, and you realize it’s happening and you’re falling
You try to scream for it to stop but you couldn’t
You feel your chest flutter as you stand up
Your hands buzz like the sound of a bee
Then you gasp for air and struggle
You begin to feel the overwhelming tide of teardrops scatter across your face
You try to gasp for more air but no it’s still no good
You try to reach for the bed because your body is about to give up
It can’t handle the amount of oxygen leaving your brain
As your breathing begins to cascade downward even more
You crawl your way out of despair, and you finally reach the bed
But no, it doesn’t stop there are even more puddles of tears and now your whole body is shaking
Your heartbeat increases now
You hear it beat at the center of your chest
You try to tell your mind to stop it please stop it, but it doesn’t answer
It’s as if the start of this panic attack is at the climax
As you let it runs its course through your body now it’s as if your energy is depleted completely
Depleted your entire source of adrenaline that you had left in you and now it’s as if your legs can’t keep up with your brain and arms
Now you wonder to yourself
When will it happen again?
When will it stop?
Why must it happen now?
As your body rekindles itself
You sit there in silence
Great it happened again……
As you look at the window when the train passes the tall green trees, the big blue skies, and the sun serenading the ground
You say to yourself wow doesn’t that look like a peaceful scenery
You try to imagine your mood to resemble this scenery, but you can’t
You try to wrap your hands over your eyes as you feel the warmth come over them because you know it’s the start of the puddle of tears about to come
You try not to cry and listen to music that could resemble the scenery but no still no good
As you see the autumn leaves trickle off the tree and see the changes of the colors you start to see how it resembles your mood
There are days when you can do it all and days where you feel stuck like a burnt colored orange leaf stuck in the dirty sewer
You try to lay your head down as you await your final destination and try to sleep away this overwhelming feeling but no still no good
You try to tell yourself it’s alright and to not let the waterworks start in public because you don’t want no one to see but you can’t the tears are escaping
You try to figure out why do you feel like this, and you wonder is it because I miss the pill?
Is it because I’ve held onto these emotions for too long?
Is it because I have to go to a pre surgery appointment?
Or is it because you felt like you couldn’t fit in well with your best friend's group of school friends and you felt stuck?
You wonder and try to let the emotions not overflow your body because you don’t want the look of embarrassment and someone to ask, “Are you okay sweetie?”
You want to feel fine, but your mind says no, and your second voice says no too
You want to feel happy inside but it’s as if You’ve been trapped inside a dark, deep hollow closet trapped in your own despair of negative thinking
You wish for a reason, a chance to feel normal because you don’t, you just don’t and maybe that’s okay to not feel okay sometimes
You try to tell yourself “Love oneself now in this moment and to forget the past like it’s trash”
You see relief and you see a sigh of hopeful joy
You wonder if you can have more good days than bad days, but you realize you don’t have 100% control of your life ….
There are many of you who may think why is being single being described as an “upheaval”? When you’re single for the 23 years or more of your life and without having no clue what a date nor what a relationship feels like. This can be described as an upheaval to some out there in this world like me. We battle the constant turmoil in our minds that tell us we won’t find true love ever in our lives. We sometimes feel a painful triggering feeling when we see others around us with their significant other. This feeling is a dread of not having someone be there and to tell us we are cute, handsome, hug us, and kiss us as if we’re their king or queen.
There are days especially for me when I feel as if being single is a curse. Every day I see how my siblings, my mother, and my friends have the enjoyment to share their love with another human being. It was as if every time I saw them interact my heart was bleeding a drop of blood into my stomach. It was as if my eyes started to be filled with an endless number of tears awaiting to be let go and slide across my cheeks. It was as if a hammer was banging on the left side of my chest.
I want to know what it feels like to hold hands. To go on a fucking date for the first time and express my interest and dislikes while eating my favorite meal. I want to know what it’s like to go to a horror movie and actually be terrified but be comforted because he’s holding my hand to let me know you’re okay. I want to know what it’s like to have intertwined eye gazing moments you see in romantic movies. I want to know how it feels to actually have someone say I “love you” while they look at your eyes. I just described what most may think is a hopeless romantic, but I just consider myself a romantic person overall.
We live in a world where being a hopeless romantic and finding someone who shares the same virtues as us is a very low probability. Currently in this generation people believe it’s just better to have “fun” or be friends with benefits but not really friends. The importance of dating and wanting a monogamous relationship is simply fading away apparently especially in the LGBTQ community. Dating apps have become of difficulty for us hopeless romantics due to these new philosophies and now they are a nuisance to us. There are times when we delete the app and redownload it just to fill the void of not having anyone in our lives. This is certainly me doing this cycle of downloading and deleting but I honestly know it’s my way of coping.
I wish for one day I can simply cope without needing to get back on those apps and stop thinking I will find my romantic other on there too. It just gets harder every year as I get older. I know I’m basically 23, but to be honest 23 is not too far from 30. It’s terrifying to me. I’ve never done things like these, and I have to constantly watch it on the television and just know that it’s not me. I want to be the one crying when they say, “I love you”. I want to be hugged tightly after they comfort me in my panic attack crisis. I want to be the one crying saying “I never in my life imagine having someone be so in love with me as much as I’m in love with them”. I will one day be able to cope with this better and fill this void soon. I just wonder why “The world fell out of love with love at some point in time” (You by Caroline Kepnes).
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