You surrounded yourself in love quotes Because you believe that is the closest you’ll get to “feeling” what a relationship is. You surrounded yourself in romantic films Because you think it’s the closest you’ll get to “see” what a relationship feels like.
You shiver your way into a deep despair of hopeless apps Because you thought it was your way to obtain a relationship You realize you were a fool to believe this You see the deceptive pawns playing on your heart like a guitar.
You try to find ways to emulate the feeling of love so you read and watch romantic tv shows To help the void disappear from your heart.
You wish it was a feeling you can escape You realize their will always be triggers Triggers that will populate that feeling to reappear.
You wish You pray You dream You cry even a little sometimes You know enjoying your own company is best Until your wishful prince awaits you into his arms.
I wrap my heart and mind around the feeling of being in love and to be loved
I can’t await to anticipate the day my knight and shining armor prince comes knocking at my door
I soon realize it would take many trials before the one would even be revealed because of how men deceive me into thinking they want a relationship
Most men I encountered look at me as if I’m the one for them when they look at me and some are even bold to get to the point of it with just one sentence
I started to realize that most men will encounter me not for the sole purpose of dating or a relationship but they just wanted “my body”
They deceive me into saying they want a relationship but in reality all they ever wanted was “my body” like it’s some tool to use to get their fix off on at night or in the morning
I weep every time this happens and it always feels like I’m being stabbed in my heart every time a man deceived me into thinking they want a relationship
I just want to feel love and be loved , but I wonder why men fake wanting it and just want sex from me. It was as if my body was a better usage for them than my personality,love, and mind.
I just wanted to feel wanted and be loved , why is that so hard to find in another man?
It breaks me and it hurts me but I try to not let it destroy me in my hope of finding the one…..
You wrap you heart around just thought of being in love
The thought always passes your mind like a person waiting for a bus at a busy city street
You’re so sensitive to the topic of a relationship you immediately feel a cruel shrug of cold wind hit your back as you see two people hold hands or kiss
This wasn’t the only uncomfortable feeling you felt , you even felt a sensation of your chest being pricked at with a knife when you see two guys hug and tell each other they love each other on tv or in a movie
Memories even start to roll in your your mind that you depress of your many failed attempts to talk and be in a relationship with a guy since 8th grade
You remeber how the pain made you want to change yourself, it made you hate yourself in high school, it made you wonder if you’re even likable enough for a relationship
You remember their are lot of men in this world who don’t value the same things of a relationship and love as you
You try to fill the void of feeling like you’ll be single forever through dating apps but you soon realized it had no effect It was like putting a small bandage on a large bruise
You tell yourself now and keep telling yourself the following: “love awaits those when the time is truly right in the eyes of God” as you try to enjoy your life as much as possible
I don’t want to be seen only for non-relationship purposes I want to be seen as potential partner I see guys who deceptively make me think they want me for me and mind and personality
All they ever wanted really from me was my body
My body was almost a laundering tool for perpetual men to get their nightly desire from
I don’t want to be seen as that even though I clearly state that I’m not interested in that
I can’t even fathom the toll it has on me wanting to find my partner and wanted to be found by him
It made me unable to see the world that “ love is possible” because I just can’t anymore and I weep a tear as I write this
Internet men are so far worse than meet in person men but there is still no Total` faith that a in person man won’t act like an internet man
Internet men is simply men you meet on social media or the internet and in person men is simply men you meet in person or face to face.
I told myself that internet men are the worst and try to wait for your in person man, but how when no one has the same desire for a relationship and love as me …
The desire for quality time , physical touch , acts of service and the other 2 languages of love I see displayed on tv makes it hard to believe I would find my tethered or in-person man in my life ……
I want to feel your touch The touch of your warm arms wrap around my neck as you pull me in close to your chest.
I want to feel your arms wrap around my back as you pull me in close and firmly into your neck & chest and I smell the cologne you’re wearing.
I want you to grab my hand as we walk across the lake or beach and we see the stars shining glowing into the night while I lay my head on your shoulder.
I want to see you smile as you look me in my eyes to grace me with your devotion and expression in words of how much you love me.
I want to have my heart blossom and to smile so hard like when I take a picture when he grace my presence with a gift,trip, and or a ring of marriage.
I want to have these feelings and moments soon. I just beg to god that it will happen and that my faith in finding this and more will come true…..
My heart bleeds a cut of your suffering. All I wanted to feel was love, but instead I felt a deep pain of your missed consumption .
I thought me and you can be united forever as one but looks like I was wrong.
We choose the love we think we deserve, well I can’t believe I thought I deserve your love.
I thought we can live in a place of infinity of love. Well I feel so stupid now cause all u were was a mistake,a lowlife piece of paper, so now how about you flee on to another path …instead of my path that I thought we will walk on together as one on ……
They say that pain demands to be felt. Well pain is only felt when you’re going through turmoil of oblivion. The oblivion that this world can possibly perpetually hurt you at any time without you knowing. The only sign one can have is to trust their instinct that the environment their in won’t hurt them. There are times in my life where I can’t understand why I have to be in pain.
Why was I the boy who beaten so bad in 2014 that I started to see black and white visions you see when you can’t find a channel on a tv with no signal? Why was I the boy who who was degraded and bullied for the way he danced , looked, speak, walked, talked, and so much more during elementary school? Why was I the boy who couldn’t even walk home from school during my 7th-8th grade year by myself because people would throw stuff at me? Why was I that boy who endlessly tried to find love,but being constantly be told they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me but rather with someone else.?
I realized a lot of the answers to why to these questions but some don’t have a simple answer to unfortunately. Pain demands to be felt but it’s how you choose to deal with that pain. I realized that pain can damage you, but I realized it only made me put a strong defense from those who can possibly hurt me in the future. Sometimes this guard can be taken down from the pure scale of the impact on my defense.
I soon wish one day, I won’t have to put up this guard so much especially to my future love of my life.
I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying. Stop trying to believe change can come through If I keep seeking out for the one.
Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.
I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there. It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.
I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.
In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?
I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.
I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.
I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.
I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ? I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?
I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……
I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……
Part of my heart bleeds It bleeds the tears of blood Each drop is a memory A memory of unrequited infatuation A memory of hopeless infatuation A memory of shameful infatuation I sometimes feel like it’s a curse
A heart should never have to sustain this torment. The agony of people to make someone's heart dissolve so effortlessly like ice on a hot stove. A heart can only take so much until the damage is irreversible physically,spiritually, and even mentally.
“Infatuation” runs with high risk, but “to love” runs an even greater risk to the heart if all doesn’t go well. One must know if they are in danger of such torment, but how when some people hide their true intentions ?
To find love it’s apparently a game because you must seek what your heart wants,but you must listen to the affirmations and view the infatuation given to you and others.
I went to sleep and had a dream. A dream where I had someone grabbed me into their arms and hugged me as if I was love of their life
Then they kissed me ever so effortlessly as if I was the love of their life or that they missed me so much like I been gone for year
I took this whole feeling in as if it was real and it was finally happening to me. I’ve finally found my person, my second heart , my true love.
I started to cry in his arms as he embraced me and he told me “I’m so in love with you and don’t you ever forget that ever!”
I cry even more because I couldn’t believe it. This is happening. Is this a dream?
Apparently it was a dream after all. I wake up and I’m disappointed and sad. The dream felt so real and so right to me.
The hug ,the kiss , the emotional connection I had with this man.
I wonder why I feel this dreaded disappointed feeling and I continue to have this feeling of disappointment for 4 hours straight.
I never want to have this disappointed feeling ever again and next time I want it to be real, true , genuine, and a passionate type of emotional connection of love.
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