They say that pain demands to be felt. Well pain is only felt when you’re going through turmoil of oblivion. The oblivion that this world can possibly perpetually hurt you at any time without you knowing. The only sign one can have is to trust their instinct that the environment their in won’t hurt them. There are times in my life where I can’t understand why I have to be in pain.
Why was I the boy who beaten so bad in 2014 that I started to see black and white visions you see when you can’t find a channel on a tv with no signal? Why was I the boy who who was degraded and bullied for the way he danced , looked, speak, walked, talked, and so much more during elementary school? Why was I the boy who couldn’t even walk home from school during my 7th-8th grade year by myself because people would throw stuff at me? Why was I that boy who endlessly tried to find love,but being constantly be told they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me but rather with someone else.?
I realized a lot of the answers to why to these questions but some don’t have a simple answer to unfortunately. Pain demands to be felt but it’s how you choose to deal with that pain. I realized that pain can damage you, but I realized it only made me put a strong defense from those who can possibly hurt me in the future. Sometimes this guard can be taken down from the pure scale of the impact on my defense.
I soon wish one day, I won’t have to put up this guard so much especially to my future love of my life.
I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying. Stop trying to believe change can come through If I keep seeking out for the one.
Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.
I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there. It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.
I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.
In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?
I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.
I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.
I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.
I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ? I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?
I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……
I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……
Part of my heart bleeds It bleeds the tears of blood Each drop is a memory A memory of unrequited infatuation A memory of hopeless infatuation A memory of shameful infatuation I sometimes feel like it’s a curse
A heart should never have to sustain this torment. The agony of people to make someone's heart dissolve so effortlessly like ice on a hot stove. A heart can only take so much until the damage is irreversible physically,spiritually, and even mentally.
“Infatuation” runs with high risk, but “to love” runs an even greater risk to the heart if all doesn’t go well. One must know if they are in danger of such torment, but how when some people hide their true intentions ?
To find love it’s apparently a game because you must seek what your heart wants,but you must listen to the affirmations and view the infatuation given to you and others.
I went to sleep and had a dream. A dream where I had someone grabbed me into their arms and hugged me as if I was love of their life
Then they kissed me ever so effortlessly as if I was the love of their life or that they missed me so much like I been gone for year
I took this whole feeling in as if it was real and it was finally happening to me. I’ve finally found my person, my second heart , my true love.
I started to cry in his arms as he embraced me and he told me “I’m so in love with you and don’t you ever forget that ever!”
I cry even more because I couldn’t believe it. This is happening. Is this a dream?
Apparently it was a dream after all. I wake up and I’m disappointed and sad. The dream felt so real and so right to me.
The hug ,the kiss , the emotional connection I had with this man.
I wonder why I feel this dreaded disappointed feeling and I continue to have this feeling of disappointment for 4 hours straight.
I never want to have this disappointed feeling ever again and next time I want it to be real, true , genuine, and a passionate type of emotional connection of love.
There are days that I crave for love. I get sucked back into that oblivion void of "missing out on what a relationship feels like"
Like the feeling of your heart beats when you see your special person and how does your mind and breathing change?
How hard do you smile, and your dimples pop out when you see your special person? How does it feel to be wrapped around their arms as you burry your head in their chest and hear their heartbeat? How does it feel to be able to grab their hand or go to them when you feel sad and need a huge & long embracing hug?
My mind constantly wonders about these things that I stated above so much and more that it starts to make me feel sad sometimes. It makes me sad because I still don't know how it feels "do" does things, "feel" those things, and how long will it take to "feel" and "do" those things I stated above.
I even started to feel the temptations to download those apps again and thinking some men will help fill this void, but no I tell myself not one man on those apps cherishes my beliefs in "love".
I crave for the feeling of "love" not "fun", but apparently this generation of LGBTQ men believes it's almost impossible to find someone who has the same values as me in wanting "love". I find it very sad I'm still wondering "What happened to love?" "Chivalry?" "Wanting genuine Dates and conversations?"
It shouldn't be that having "fun" is better than "love" nor should having "fun" be considered over "love" as living your life.
I'm shocked and still wondering who still cherish my beliefs & values of wanting "love" and how long would it take for me to find him? .....
Love is such a beautiful thing.
Why must it be so hard to find?
There are people in this world who put up this façade of "wanting love" but they really don't.
I'm able to now see through this deception, but I wish I was able to in the past.
God, I wish I was able to even more better now because it feels like I want to cry.
I want to cry because I failed for the traps of "fake love".
I fell for guys who put up this wall wanting "fake love".
I want to cry because every time I watch a tv show or movie, I see how a boy gets hugged, kissed, or even holds hands with another person that I yearn so much for that it makes me want to cry.
To believe I could receive that from some man on an app.
I want to cry because I thought "love" would be easier for me but no only "to have fun" was easier.
I want to cry because I keep dreading this feeling of being an hopeless romantic and still I'm craving for it when I see it displayed on a screen.
I want this feeling of loneliness, hopeless love, hopeless yearn for intimacy of a relationship to go away!
I however just don't know how and why I'm feeling like this and it hurts so bad that sometimes that tight feeing in my chest has returned and I want it to stop.....
I didn't understand how back in the day in the 60s-90s people were fonder of dating & relationships. Now in today's age it shifted to wanting "friends with benefits" or just wanting "fun". It was like the idea of "wanting to fall in love" is dying like a leaf when the season changes from spring to winter. There has to be a reason to what's causing love to die, but what are the "causes"?
Part of me wonders did the pandemic had something to do with this change. Was it the hardships people faced in their lives that is making people feel "love" is unnecessary? Do people feel like it's easier and less probable to drama to not be in a relationship?
"Chivalry" is even dying too and to be honest it was never so much of this in the LGBTQ community to begin with. I want to honestly experience this feeling soon with someone but I'm still so unhopeful I will get this and to feel "love" from someone.
I'm still even mad, confused, but most importantly hurt that my "love" & "infatuation" is being disregarded but not "my body" to men. I can even share a few examples below of how men treated me in just wanting a relationship to really wanting "my body" below:
1) I shared a part of my blogs to a guy and a day later he blocks me.
2) I tried talking to this guy for 13 days thinking it was going well until he showed his "true colors". I realized he didn't want me to be his "tethered" as he described in his profile because all he truly wanted from me was "my body" and nothing more.
I could go on and on for hours about how men put up this "facade" of what you want them to be. As soon as they see you're comfortable with them, they start to show their "true colors". Then you realize this isn't the person you liked or fell in love with and your shattered to pieces emotionally.
"Love" is dying and I'm just trying to understand why? I'm still seeking for it within my first relationship. I even started to realize that "love" sometimes fails, but I hope the number of heartbreaks I have is kept to a minimum. My heart can only take so much since it's so fragile like a piece of glass.
I wish for "love" and "chivalry" to arrive within "the one" for me soon. I just hope it's not in 20 years or more because my faith in finding love is dissipating......
It was if I was tested.
Tested on whether I should continue to seek “love” or let it seek “me”.
I come across people I find attractive every single time, but I remind myself that it wont end in the way that you think.
There are times when I see chances of what could have been something with a particular guy.
Then I realize it will not end in the way how I want it to be at all because he just using me.
I tell myself to stop thinking every person you potentially meet and that could potentially find me attractive will hurt me or just want my body for “fun” or whatever amusement they want from me.
I know this world is scary and I am bound to have a heartbreak, but God that is scary as hell to believe my heart could not even take a simple man not wanting me for “love”.
Can you imagine how my heart would be once I get in a relationship, and it do not work out after a year or two?
I would be devastated that tightening feeling around my chest would stay even longer!
I know I have focus on the good with this all but god. Do I have too emotion with every person I find attractive and talk to just at a first glance?
This is a major flaw in my personality of putting all my emotions once I meet someone attractive. I must learn to hold back the depth of my emotions, or I would continue to feel like a knife is being stabbed in my chest after a failed attempt of being in my first relationship
I feel like being a “hopeless romantic” is what everyone wants because we put our all in to showing you, we like or love you. The con of being a “hopeless romantic” is that since we put our all in to liking or loving someone, we start to see it does not work out like we play it in our heads, we are instantly crushed like a squirrel that was killed by a car’s tire.
I just want to stop playing this stupid game, test, or trial of having to know whether any person I find attractive will hurt me, even though I cannot tell when or where I will get hurt by them.
I know I must let life and God show me not everyone will hurt me and that I know I still have not met all the people who are going to love me in my life.
I just wish sometimes I didn't feel as much as you're supposed to when you first talk to someone you really like....
I’ve never imagined a day where I would be a person in this situation. A situation where I couldn’t even believe that would happen to me. I was harassed and continue to be despite me saying no several times. In the moment I felt so stuck that I couldn’t even deepen my voice and that I was literally panicking as my hear-my heart was racing. I tried to believe I was okay but the more I had to constantly tell this man no , the more I felt stuck and more upset. I was lost and now I’m thinking what is about to happen to me. Is this going to be repeat of my other incident that happened to me in 2014. It was the fact that he even asked me “ want to have fun” and to even say “I’ll pay” as if I was some worthless boy looking for body to body contact and his pitiful money. I felt so degraded and angry that he said that to me. I tried to step away several times and he still persist but it wasn’t until the 7th time that he finally left me alone for good.
I try to stop playing it in my head, but it just won’t go away and l don’t know why and it’s hurting me. Am I really seen as only good for body to body contact and not love. It was as if I’m a magnet to perpetual men that just want to get their fix for a little fun with love never even being offered. This is the reason why I’m hurt after this incident and some may say I’m over exaggerating but I’m not. It as If I continue to be seen as an object for body to body contact to men on apps and apparently now even in real life. When will true love ever come knocking on my door? I wonder as I try to forget but no it continues on , another man decides to ask if I’m free and now I can’t forget the incident.
I wish it was easy to forget as normal people could but I can’t . I’m seeking “LOVE” not “FUN” so please hear me out and understand I’m not a one night stand. I’m a Man of love and man of marriage.
As I get myself ready to go into the office, I realize that the pain didn’t fade away completely.
It was still there and I’m not referring to my shoulder. I’m referring to the emotional pain I’m still having from him.
I try to shrug it off as I continue to struggle to dress myself to get ready to go to the office downtown. I knew I had to get out of the house because going downtown brings me joy and can help keep my mind off things, especially this “love gone wrong” emotional pain I’m feeling.
As I look across the window waiting for my friend after a day of work, all I could think about is how you could possibly show up.
I wondered if you showed up, would I try to curse you out?
Will I mean mug you so bad that you walk away from me?
Will you even care to confront me if I did take off my mask?
I thought about how much you hurt me, but I bet you didn’t even care nor realize.
I decided to not let you see how much it hurts and instead turn this pain into a lesson.
Even though a week has passed since the day I knew you weren’t the one for me it still lingers.
The lingering and tightening feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry nonstop.
This was when I realized I'm still hurting unfortunately. The pain is fading but it’s like 5 to 10% is still there. I wonder if it's a reminder for me to not download the app ever again or just that I'm not over it?
I try to repeat a verse from the Bible, Corinthian 13:4-8, to help ease my mind and heart when I want to explode into tears. This coping mechanism helps a lot and I’m glad It works but it’s still not 100% effective.
I hope this feeling fades away for good, but I just wonder when?
When will it stop……?
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