“Repeated Cycle of Misfortune”

It never fails for me

To seek a person in crush form type of way 
but to find out more about the person and 
Only to find out that person will never see you in the same way that you see them

They will never see you in a romantic way
They will never talk to you or hang out with you in the ways you replayed over and over in your haead about them and you

I will never be sought out for nor communicated romantically with by him.

I’m so glad I retrieved my clarity, and now I am no longer confused about his perceptions and intentions

I just wish this cycle of misfortune would stop from happening to me.

But I realized I can’t control how my heart felt for a guy in the beginning

Because I feel too much and overthink too

Part of me is so glad that no matter how much I did like him, I could never open my mouth to say it to him

I saved my integrity and from embarrassment by not doing so

God, I wish for just one time for me to crush on a guy, and they actually like me back because now my track record is 0 out of 7 instead of 0 out of 6

I feel this is and will be, unfortunately, repeated misfortune for me, and I don’t know if I can deal with another failure of crushing on the wrong guy……

“Cycle of Unrequited Crushes”

Why do I even try

Hints were flowed to you various times

You didn’t even notice any at all
Or maybe you did notice
Or maybe it’s not obvious at all


I want to pour my heart out so much to you

But I can’t because nothing comes out

Because I’m so afraid if it’s unrequited 
I’m afraid of getting hurt 
To know that the feeling isn’t mutual 

To know the fantasy images and videos I replayed in my head about us two  will never even happen 
To know it will never even be possible to happen
Once I know the answer if I were to ask you


I know this feeling of unrequited crushing because this happens frequently to me every couple of years
I crush on a guy and they typically never like me back especially if I’m the one who state how they feel first

I starting to dislike this cycle of crushing on a guy because it doesn’t seem to work out for me 

But I can’t seem to prevent my heart from crushing on a guy is the only issue ……

“Sacrifices”

Changes come with every passing day

Like a leaf on a tree starts to turn brown and crinkle as it gets closer to fall

Change is inevitable for nature

Change for us humans happens sporadically and instantly changes our mood depending on how we react

Change comes with having to make sacrifices 
Sacrifices that  kept you as a whole and sane and sacrifices that taught you so many life lessons

But with so many sacrifices comes unbelievable pain for each you gave up 

You may repress the thoughts and emotions by keeping busy, but unfortunately, they tend to come back at some point in a dauntingly aggressive way

The emotions tend to fill your body like a glass of water slowly as each day passes by until it is full 
Your heart, chest, and stomach are packed with so much water that it explodes out because you see the water is overflowing

It's overflowing because you bottled up your emotions and did not express your sorrow and grief about the sacrifices you made

It doesn't even help that everyday life situations, people, movies, and social media send reminders to you of what you lost and what you can't have at the moment 

You know these sacrifices were made for your future and that you have to look at life at what greatness is coming or the greatness you are about to do soon

Eventually, the sorrow you feel due to the sacrifices tends to dissipate, but the length of the process is unknown, and I wonder when it will happen for me……

“Uncertainty”

The moment of uncertainty comes cycling back

Your eyes lust upon him the more you talk to him

Your heart is so excited, but your mind is questioning it all about him 

Your mind is saying uncertainty lies underneath this guy, but your heart says to seek out this guy in a romantic way

The unfortunate part of being in the lgbtq community is the uncertainty we have to deal with about the sexuality of a person before approaching them

I feel like I'm being trapped in this loop constantly every 2 or 4 years with every guy I meet of not knowing and figuring out that person wasn't didn't have the same sexuality as me 

Some may confuse this ideal as being delusional because it's obvious to know whether a man is attracted to the same sex or tell us simply to ask, but it's not that simple for non-hetero people 

The uncertainty of this all is frustrating for me, and I'm pretty sure not only do I feel this 

There are days I think to myself, Man, dating might be easier if I was a woman, but no, it's hard for everyone…
Everyone faces some degree of uncertainty of their own, and the way to be sure is to have the mental guts to find out or to let God guide you and show you the explanation, or don't do anything at all and shove all your feelings back into your heart and  romantic thoughts back in your mind

“I Wish”

I wish, and I hope.
I know that is all I can do.
I weep, and I dream of the day.
The day I finally feel, see, and believe love is possible.
I still weep and dream of my past because it deteriorated my belief that love is possible.
I shout into the unknown in my mind.
Can I feel what I see in a fictional media representation of love?
Is it possible to have someone’s eyes gaze at you the first moment they know you are the one for them?
Is it possible to have more than a bit of infinity of romance with a particular person in life?
Can I be seen for more than just my external features but also my internal components?
Is love buried deep into a hole of oblivion for me, and will it always be this way?
I know I’m not supposed to think about love, and I’m supposed to focus on myself and that I’m only 25, but I can’t help my heart from wanting to share it with someone else in this scary world we live in.
How long will my weeps, worries, and dreams continue before my actual prince awaits me in real life?

“Upholding Boundaries”

It’s still hard to believe that I have to maintain distance from certain
people to support my emotions

It doesn’t make sense how, in this world if you don’t set boundaries with
individuals, then you will have people cross you wrong or hurt you

This past year, I’ve had to constantly reiterate my boundaries and
Unfortunately, one person in particular failed to respect it

I don’t take lightly to anyone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, regardless
of if I share the same blood as them

Unfortunately, some people I share blood with failed to see and don’t even
try to fully see my pain but instead, only value the person who disrespected
my boundaries, my feelings, and my mental health

It brings me so much pain to have people fail to realize that I’m still in
pain from the aftermath of that individual, but now I’m in pain because people
don’t get it still

I understand I can’t control and force people to get my side of the story

But it doesn’t feel good, and it’s getting overly exhausting to have to explain
my feelings and boundaries over and over again. It makes me think that my
Emotions and pain don’t matter…

I just want to be by myself a lot lately cause of how much pain and anger I
have in me from people who failed to respect my boundaries, view my beliefs, my
anger, and my pain

It angers me and hurts me so much that I have dreams about getting vengeance
on those who don’t respect my boundaries and push them

I even have thoughts about moving away to another city to get away from
family and friends and just be on my own and start fresh

I know the things I stated above will only be a temporary fix to my feelings

But God, I just want this pain to go away again that I feel in my chest…

“The Idea of a Relationship is dying…”

I repressed a moment I had with a guy

Because maybe my mind didn’t want my heart to feel the pain I was going to feel when I processed it….

It was yet again the second time in July I was taken up by a guy mostly for external pleasures only….

I realized dating apps was of no use for me anymore in my life

Men would lure their eyes on my appearance and say they looked at my profile but some would look at my profile just to obtain their external desire they have on me…

It took these 2 men to make it clear to me that love is dying and finding a pure relationship from a genuine person is dying in this generation and even in millennials too….

It breaks my heart apart ….

Because every encounter I had that I wasn’t even trying to look for and did look for ended up exactly like the cycle I been in..

An endless cycle of men wanting me for non relationship purposes….but for my body mainly…

I would block and delete these men so effortlessly out my life but I realized it’s getting very tiring having to do this so much in this dreadful cycle…..

It’s been 4 months since my breakup of my first relationship via from tinder that lasted only 5 months and I still tend to wonder what was the point of that small length of intimacy….

I now get jealous,unhappy, and even frustrated again when I see couples and when my friends talk about their newly or continuing relationships…

I just wish I had a person to hold hands with, smile with, joke with, go on dates with, take car rides with , and travel the world with….

I get upset seeing examples of relationships and intimacy that I haven’t even obtain yet on tv or in person

I know I have a whole life ahead of me but going through this cycle makes it seem it’s not even possible to have a true long term relationship….

I hate to even say it but I believe love is dying but think it is for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true, long term, and genuine relationship that I dreamed about since I was 13 years old…..

“Disconnect due to the Faults of a Loved One”

I tried to reconcile and was able to see a fault I played between us two

But you didn’t acknowledge all your faults towards me with your behavior

You tried to justify your “control” over my life by saying “The things you did for me in my past of my life after my father passed away till I turned 19” was a lot for you to deal with it and that I’m not allowed to say “stop helping you” when it comes to your work cause your job triumphs my mental health apparently…

You fail to see your words were all connected to your faults

 

You fail to see you pure intention to be there for me was fake and not genuine enough

I started to even realize even more you will never change your toxic “controlling” & “ Lack of respect for my mental health”


You sat their with a notion already of not willing to accept all your faults towards me before I even arrived to talk to you

Thus made me realize you will never change your toxic behavior due to your lack of emotional intelligence and I refuse to allow you in my life ever again

You failed to realize that yesterday night was our last conversation with each other until God decides our last day on earth

I hope your proud that you’ve lost an “adult” in your small circle that you trust in your life….


I hope your happy that you can sleep peacefully knowing you hurt my heart and my brain with your toxic behavior

I hope you’re happy that you’ve lost one of your precious nephews and hope you don’t lose the other 2 out of your life…


I have no regrets removing you out of my life for the sake of my mental health, peace, and independence of my life

I just can’t believe you fail to realize your words you said to me in person was no different then your words you said via through text message……

“I’m Tired”

Im tired of people saying I don’t have the right to say how I feel due to my age (24) to someone who’s is older than me by 10 or 20 years.

Im tired of people making me feel pressured, feel unfair, and feel small at work

Im tired of people telling me to let go of the heartache and how it all ended because it’s not that easy……especially if it was my first one

Im tired of people telling me I’m looking for love and that I shouldn’t and maybe I am cause want to feel and have what others have and maybe cause Im lonely ; thats why I did search for it and is that so wrong….

Im so tired of having to be triggered from all the things above stated

Im tired that I keep crying when I get triggered or when I can’t stop thinking about it all

I’m tired of feeling this emotional pain it’s like getting hit in the chest by a car ….

I’m just tired of having to go through this and I want an out from feeling this pain in my heart

“I Wish you Could See”

I wish you could see

That even though it was so easy for you to leave 

Did you ever try to think about the aftermath?
Have you ever thought about leaving me sooner to save me my energy and time?
Did you  ever truly think about me in a romantic way?
Lastly, why did you take me out the picture so quickly like it was so effortless in just 4 hours of decision making?

I have so many questions I know that will never be answered 
But I wish you could see you left me with a broken heart with pieces all over the floor at orange theory, at work, at my home, at my Aunt's home, at certain restaurants we went to, at my moms house … just everywhere I went that I thought about you and our relationship 

I wish you could see that you tore a part of me out that made me believe love is fair 
Because I know that it isn’t and it will never be especially for me 

I wish you could see that you made it hard for me to do certain things in my life and I’m repairing the damage that you did on my life , my heart, and my mind 

I wish you could see 
That I never want to meet you again
I wish you could see how great I  was to you 

I wish you could see how you gave up on someone who gave it their all for you through all your personal traumas in your life 

I wish you could see how I regret saying “I’ll be there for you through the good and bad” 
Because you never really cared about me saying that to you 

I started to realize overall I was easily nothing to you after that 2nd month of our relationship when the personal trauma happened 

 I wish you could see you will never be nothing more to me but a broken memory of what I thought my 1st first  love could be  
Because you will now remain a broken and regretful mistake I gave a chance on to enter in my life 

I wish you could see that exactly now…