They say that pain demands to be felt. Well pain is only felt when you’re going through turmoil of oblivion. The oblivion that this world can possibly perpetually hurt you at any time without you knowing. The only sign one can have is to trust their instinct that the environment their in won’t hurt them. There are times in my life where I can’t understand why I have to be in pain.
Why was I the boy who beaten so bad in 2014 that I started to see black and white visions you see when you can’t find a channel on a tv with no signal? Why was I the boy who who was degraded and bullied for the way he danced , looked, speak, walked, talked, and so much more during elementary school? Why was I the boy who couldn’t even walk home from school during my 7th-8th grade year by myself because people would throw stuff at me? Why was I that boy who endlessly tried to find love,but being constantly be told they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me but rather with someone else.?
I realized a lot of the answers to why to these questions but some don’t have a simple answer to unfortunately. Pain demands to be felt but it’s how you choose to deal with that pain. I realized that pain can damage you, but I realized it only made me put a strong defense from those who can possibly hurt me in the future. Sometimes this guard can be taken down from the pure scale of the impact on my defense.
I soon wish one day, I won’t have to put up this guard so much especially to my future love of my life.
I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying. Stop trying to believe change can come through If I keep seeking out for the one.
Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.
I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there. It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.
I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.
In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?
I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.
I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.
I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.
I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ? I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?
I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……
I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……
Part of my heart bleeds It bleeds the tears of blood Each drop is a memory A memory of unrequited infatuation A memory of hopeless infatuation A memory of shameful infatuation I sometimes feel like it’s a curse
A heart should never have to sustain this torment. The agony of people to make someone's heart dissolve so effortlessly like ice on a hot stove. A heart can only take so much until the damage is irreversible physically,spiritually, and even mentally.
“Infatuation” runs with high risk, but “to love” runs an even greater risk to the heart if all doesn’t go well. One must know if they are in danger of such torment, but how when some people hide their true intentions ?
To find love it’s apparently a game because you must seek what your heart wants,but you must listen to the affirmations and view the infatuation given to you and others.
I went to sleep and had a dream. A dream where I had someone grabbed me into their arms and hugged me as if I was love of their life
Then they kissed me ever so effortlessly as if I was the love of their life or that they missed me so much like I been gone for year
I took this whole feeling in as if it was real and it was finally happening to me. I’ve finally found my person, my second heart , my true love.
I started to cry in his arms as he embraced me and he told me “I’m so in love with you and don’t you ever forget that ever!”
I cry even more because I couldn’t believe it. This is happening. Is this a dream?
Apparently it was a dream after all. I wake up and I’m disappointed and sad. The dream felt so real and so right to me.
The hug ,the kiss , the emotional connection I had with this man.
I wonder why I feel this dreaded disappointed feeling and I continue to have this feeling of disappointment for 4 hours straight.
I never want to have this disappointed feeling ever again and next time I want it to be real, true , genuine, and a passionate type of emotional connection of love.
As you look at the window when the train passes the tall green trees, the big blue skies, and the sun serenading the ground
You say to yourself wow doesn’t that look like a peaceful scenery
You try to imagine your mood to resemble this scenery, but you can’t
You try to wrap your hands over your eyes as you feel the warmth come over them because you know it’s the start of the puddle of tears about to come
You try not to cry and listen to music that could resemble the scenery but no still no good
As you see the autumn leaves trickle off the tree and see the changes of the colors you start to see how it resembles your mood
There are days when you can do it all and days where you feel stuck like a burnt colored orange leaf stuck in the dirty sewer
You try to lay your head down as you await your final destination and try to sleep away this overwhelming feeling but no still no good
You try to tell yourself it’s alright and to not let the waterworks start in public because you don’t want no one to see but you can’t the tears are escaping
You try to figure out why do you feel like this, and you wonder is it because I miss the pill?
Is it because I’ve held onto these emotions for too long?
Is it because I have to go to a pre surgery appointment?
Or is it because you felt like you couldn’t fit in well with your best friend's group of school friends and you felt stuck?
You wonder and try to let the emotions not overflow your body because you don’t want the look of embarrassment and someone to ask, “Are you okay sweetie?”
You want to feel fine, but your mind says no, and your second voice says no too
You want to feel happy inside but it’s as if You’ve been trapped inside a dark, deep hollow closet trapped in your own despair of negative thinking
You wish for a reason, a chance to feel normal because you don’t, you just don’t and maybe that’s okay to not feel okay sometimes
You try to tell yourself “Love oneself now in this moment and to forget the past like it’s trash”
You see relief and you see a sigh of hopeful joy
You wonder if you can have more good days than bad days, but you realize you don’t have 100% control of your life ….
Blogs of Love,Life, and Anxiety 