The eyes of some men only desire my flesh. Their minds are tailored to one objective, and that is my body. I can’t quite understand how a deeply loving mindset and heart can provide such a strong connection, only to be degraded and dismissed like an empty surface. It’s because my flesh is more critical to the naked eyes of some men. I once thought it would be different for me as a gay man, but I learned years ago that this struggle will be everlasting. Some men can’t even fathom holding a deep conversation or building a genuine connection. There’s a lack of conversational effort, vagueness, and surface-level words. I find myself spinning, searching for even a small grace of reciprocation for all the energy I’m pouring into the conversation. It seems that building a connection is too exhausting for some men, even at the very beginning. Weaving the threads of something meaningful feels too much work, so they retreat into vagueness, assuming you’ll stick around for whatever scraps they give. I’ve found that many men elicit their desire for flesh more readily than their desire for connection, because it’s easier. They don’t realize how much damage they cause with this cycle, how selfishly they destroy someone else’s hopes and needs just to serve themselves. A person should be desired for how their personality shines through conversation. The desires of the flesh shouldn’t come first, not in the beginning stages. Building connections and deepening them through meaningful dialogue and shared experiences should be the standard. When you fail to offer that and show up with selfishness and greed instead of presence and care, you drain the hope and joy from someone’s heart. Love should be possible. But as I’ve learned, it’s much harder to obtain because some men’s eyes and minds are blinded by selfishness, lack of decorum, and disrespect.
I'm trying to get the images of us I had in my head Out of my head
I wanted it to be real I wanted to feel it Feel the warmth of your heart with my head near your chest
I just wanted to have a win Where someone I like…. like me back
The feelings are disappearing….but slowly
As I talk to you more and more it gets harder to erase the romantic images of us Out of my mind
I'm trying to destroy my feelings for you, but the hard part is that I don't want it to go away
It was your smile
Your presence as you walked onto the sand As you walked closer and closer to me The feelings I had for you were so strong at that moment
But I know I can't see you in that way anymore Because the clarity was stated already I have let go of my hopes and dreams I had thought about having with you
I wanted it to be you so badly Until I understood last week that you didn't want it to be me I will get through this, but I'm not sure how long this will take for me………
To seek a person in crush form type of way but to find out more about the person and Only to find out that person will never see you in the same way that you see them
They will never see you in a romantic way They will never talk to you or hang out with you in the ways you replayed over and over in your haead about them and you
I will never be sought out for nor communicated romantically with by him.
I’m so glad I retrieved my clarity, and now I am no longer confused about his perceptions and intentions
I just wish this cycle of misfortune would stop from happening to me.
But I realized I can’t control how my heart felt for a guy in the beginning
Because I feel too much and overthink too
Part of me is so glad that no matter how much I did like him, I could never open my mouth to say it to him
I saved my integrity and from embarrassment by not doing so
God, I wish for just one time for me to crush on a guy, and they actually like me back because now my track record is 0 out of 7 instead of 0 out of 6
I feel this is and will be, unfortunately, repeated misfortune for me, and I don’t know if I can deal with another failure of crushing on the wrong guy……
You didn’t even notice any at all Or maybe you did notice Or maybe it’s not obvious at all
I want to pour my heart out so much to you
But I can’t because nothing comes out
Because I’m so afraid if it’s unrequited I’m afraid of getting hurt To know that the feeling isn’t mutual
To know the fantasy images and videos I replayed in my head about us two will never even happen To know it will never even be possible to happen Once I know the answer if I were to ask you
I know this feeling of unrequited crushing because this happens frequently to me every couple of years I crush on a guy and they typically never like me back especially if I’m the one who state how they feel first
I starting to dislike this cycle of crushing on a guy because it doesn’t seem to work out for me
But I can’t seem to prevent my heart from crushing on a guy is the only issue ……
Your heart is so excited, but your mind is questioning it all about him
Your mind is saying uncertainty lies underneath this guy, but your heart says to seek out this guy in a romantic way
The unfortunate part of being in the lgbtq community is the uncertainty we have to deal with about the sexuality of a person before approaching them
I feel like I'm being trapped in this loop constantly every 2 or 4 years with every guy I meet of not knowing and figuring out that person wasn't didn't have the same sexuality as me
Some may confuse this ideal as being delusional because it's obvious to know whether a man is attracted to the same sex or tell us simply to ask, but it's not that simple for non-hetero people
The uncertainty of this all is frustrating for me, and I'm pretty sure not only do I feel this
There are days I think to myself, Man, dating might be easier if I was a woman, but no, it's hard for everyone… Everyone faces some degree of uncertainty of their own, and the way to be sure is to have the mental guts to find out or to let God guide you and show you the explanation, or don't do anything at all and shove all your feelings back into your heart and romantic thoughts back in your mind
I wish, and I hope. I know that is all I can do. I weep, and I dream of the day. The day I finally feel, see, and believe love is possible. I still weep and dream of my past because it deteriorated my belief that love is possible. I shout into the unknown in my mind. Can I feel what I see in a fictional media representation of love? Is it possible to have someone’s eyes gaze at you the first moment they know you are the one for them? Is it possible to have more than a bit of infinity of romance with a particular person in life? Can I be seen for more than just my external features but also my internal components? Is love buried deep into a hole of oblivion for me, and will it always be this way? I know I’m not supposed to think about love, and I’m supposed to focus on myself and that I’m only 25, but I can’t help my heart from wanting to share it with someone else in this scary world we live in. How long will my weeps, worries, and dreams continue before my actual prince awaits me in real life?
Because maybe my mind didn’t want my heart to feel the pain I was going to feel when I processed it….
It was yet again the second time in July I was taken up by a guy mostly for external pleasures only….
I realized dating apps was of no use for me anymore in my life
Men would lure their eyes on my appearance and say they looked at my profile but some would look at my profile just to obtain their external desire they have on me…
It took these 2 men to make it clear to me that love is dying and finding a pure relationship from a genuine person is dying in this generation and even in millennials too….
It breaks my heart apart ….
Because every encounter I had that I wasn’t even trying to look for and did look for ended up exactly like the cycle I been in..
An endless cycle of men wanting me for non relationship purposes….but for my body mainly…
I would block and delete these men so effortlessly out my life but I realized it’s getting very tiring having to do this so much in this dreadful cycle…..
It’s been 4 months since my breakup of my first relationship via from tinder that lasted only 5 months and I still tend to wonder what was the point of that small length of intimacy….
I now get jealous,unhappy, and even frustrated again when I see couples and when my friends talk about their newly or continuing relationships…
I just wish I had a person to hold hands with, smile with, joke with, go on dates with, take car rides with , and travel the world with….
I get upset seeing examples of relationships and intimacy that I haven’t even obtain yet on tv or in person
I know I have a whole life ahead of me but going through this cycle makes it seem it’s not even possible to have a true long term relationship….
I hate to even say it but I believe love is dying but think it is for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true, long term, and genuine relationship that I dreamed about since I was 13 years old…..
I tried to reconcile and was able to see a fault I played between us two
But you didn’t acknowledge all your faults towards me with your behavior
You tried to justify your “control” over my life by saying “The things you did for me in my past of my life after my father passed away till I turned 19” was a lot for you to deal with it and that I’m not allowed to say “stop helping you” when it comes to your work cause your job triumphs my mental health apparently…
You fail to see your words were all connected to your faults
You fail to see you pure intention to be there for me was fake and not genuine enough
I started to even realize even more you will never change your toxic “controlling” & “ Lack of respect for my mental health”
You sat their with a notion already of not willing to accept all your faults towards me before I even arrived to talk to you
Thus made me realize you will never change your toxic behavior due to your lack of emotional intelligence and I refuse to allow you in my life ever again
You failed to realize that yesterday night was our last conversation with each other until God decides our last day on earth
I hope your proud that you’ve lost an “adult” in your small circle that you trust in your life….
I hope your happy that you can sleep peacefully knowing you hurt my heart and my brain with your toxic behavior
I hope you’re happy that you’ve lost one of your precious nephews and hope you don’t lose the other 2 out of your life…
I have no regrets removing you out of my life for the sake of my mental health, peace, and independence of my life
I just can’t believe you fail to realize your words you said to me in person was no different then your words you said via through text message……
Im tired of people saying I don’t have the right to say how I feel due to my age (24) to someone who’s is older than me by 10 or 20 years.
Im tired of people making me feel pressured, feel unfair, and feel small at work
Im tired of people telling me to let go of the heartache and how it all ended because it’s not that easy……especially if it was my first one
Im tired of people telling me I’m looking for love and that I shouldn’t and maybe I am cause want to feel and have what others have and maybe cause Im lonely ; thats why I did search for it and is that so wrong….
Im so tired of having to be triggered from all the things above stated
Im tired that I keep crying when I get triggered or when I can’t stop thinking about it all
I’m tired of feeling this emotional pain it’s like getting hit in the chest by a car ….
I’m just tired of having to go through this and I want an out from feeling this pain in my heart
Did you ever try to think about the aftermath? Have you ever thought about leaving me sooner to save me my energy and time? Did you ever truly think about me in a romantic way? Lastly, why did you take me out the picture so quickly like it was so effortless in just 4 hours of decision making?
I have so many questions I know that will never be answered But I wish you could see you left me with a broken heart with pieces all over the floor at orange theory, at work, at my home, at my Aunt's home, at certain restaurants we went to, at my moms house … just everywhere I went that I thought about you and our relationship
I wish you could see that you tore a part of me out that made me believe love is fair Because I know that it isn’t and it will never be especially for me
I wish you could see that you made it hard for me to do certain things in my life and I’m repairing the damage that you did on my life , my heart, and my mind
I wish you could see That I never want to meet you again I wish you could see how great I was to you
I wish you could see how you gave up on someone who gave it their all for you through all your personal traumas in your life
I wish you could see how I regret saying “I’ll be there for you through the good and bad” Because you never really cared about me saying that to you
I started to realize overall I was easily nothing to you after that 2nd month of our relationship when the personal trauma happened
I wish you could see you will never be nothing more to me but a broken memory of what I thought my 1st first love could be Because you will now remain a broken and regretful mistake I gave a chance on to enter in my life
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