Tears rushed like a river off the cliff briskly from one eye As you saw the barrier
Another formed in your mind, cluttered with numerous negativities and endless hope of escaping. This causes another tear to form swiftly out of your other eye.
Your thoughts rumble with more and more things that are barriers to your escape from the demise of your freedom and peace
All you ever wanted to grace your spirit for a moment of tranquility in your heart, so the beats you hear in your chest can slow down and you wouldn’t have to hear the impending beats pound in your ear as you lie down.
You want your mind to escape the thoughts of hopelessness that maybe your peace won’t come at all. It is so hard to believe in this when one detrimental, whether tiny or big, thing happens then another comes along right after.
You want clarity in your spirit, you want happiness to be embedded in your heart, and you want ease and lack of unhappy thoughts to control your brain.
You just wish for the peace and freedom to be in a better place and have some of the things you hope for and some of the things you sacrificed
You just wonder when it will come as your patience tightens like the width of a pencil
It’s still hard to believe that I have to maintain distance from certain people to support my emotions
It doesn’t make sense how, in this world if you don’t set boundaries with individuals, then you will have people cross you wrong or hurt you
This past year, I’ve had to constantly reiterate my boundaries and Unfortunately, one person in particular failed to respect it
I don’t take lightly to anyone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, regardless of if I share the same blood as them
Unfortunately, some people I share blood with failed to see and don’t even try to fully see my pain but instead, only value the person who disrespected my boundaries, my feelings, and my mental health
It brings me so much pain to have people fail to realize that I’m still in pain from the aftermath of that individual, but now I’m in pain because people don’t get it still
I understand I can’t control and force people to get my side of the story
But it doesn’t feel good, and it’s getting overly exhausting to have to explain my feelings and boundaries over and over again. It makes me think that my Emotions and pain don’t matter…
I just want to be by myself a lot lately cause of how much pain and anger I have in me from people who failed to respect my boundaries, view my beliefs, my anger, and my pain
It angers me and hurts me so much that I have dreams about getting vengeance on those who don’t respect my boundaries and push them
I even have thoughts about moving away to another city to get away from family and friends and just be on my own and start fresh
I know the things I stated above will only be a temporary fix to my feelings
But God, I just want this pain to go away again that I feel in my chest…
Because maybe my mind didn’t want my heart to feel the pain I was going to feel when I processed it….
It was yet again the second time in July I was taken up by a guy mostly for external pleasures only….
I realized dating apps was of no use for me anymore in my life
Men would lure their eyes on my appearance and say they looked at my profile but some would look at my profile just to obtain their external desire they have on me…
It took these 2 men to make it clear to me that love is dying and finding a pure relationship from a genuine person is dying in this generation and even in millennials too….
It breaks my heart apart ….
Because every encounter I had that I wasn’t even trying to look for and did look for ended up exactly like the cycle I been in..
An endless cycle of men wanting me for non relationship purposes….but for my body mainly…
I would block and delete these men so effortlessly out my life but I realized it’s getting very tiring having to do this so much in this dreadful cycle…..
It’s been 4 months since my breakup of my first relationship via from tinder that lasted only 5 months and I still tend to wonder what was the point of that small length of intimacy….
I now get jealous,unhappy, and even frustrated again when I see couples and when my friends talk about their newly or continuing relationships…
I just wish I had a person to hold hands with, smile with, joke with, go on dates with, take car rides with , and travel the world with….
I get upset seeing examples of relationships and intimacy that I haven’t even obtain yet on tv or in person
I know I have a whole life ahead of me but going through this cycle makes it seem it’s not even possible to have a true long term relationship….
I hate to even say it but I believe love is dying but think it is for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true, long term, and genuine relationship that I dreamed about since I was 13 years old…..
I tried to reconcile and was able to see a fault I played between us two
But you didn’t acknowledge all your faults towards me with your behavior
You tried to justify your “control” over my life by saying “The things you did for me in my past of my life after my father passed away till I turned 19” was a lot for you to deal with it and that I’m not allowed to say “stop helping you” when it comes to your work cause your job triumphs my mental health apparently…
You fail to see your words were all connected to your faults
You fail to see you pure intention to be there for me was fake and not genuine enough
I started to even realize even more you will never change your toxic “controlling” & “ Lack of respect for my mental health”
You sat their with a notion already of not willing to accept all your faults towards me before I even arrived to talk to you
Thus made me realize you will never change your toxic behavior due to your lack of emotional intelligence and I refuse to allow you in my life ever again
You failed to realize that yesterday night was our last conversation with each other until God decides our last day on earth
I hope your proud that you’ve lost an “adult” in your small circle that you trust in your life….
I hope your happy that you can sleep peacefully knowing you hurt my heart and my brain with your toxic behavior
I hope you’re happy that you’ve lost one of your precious nephews and hope you don’t lose the other 2 out of your life…
I have no regrets removing you out of my life for the sake of my mental health, peace, and independence of my life
I just can’t believe you fail to realize your words you said to me in person was no different then your words you said via through text message……
How can I ever trust my heart and mind
They both had me to believe infatuation was reciprocated between us two
How could I believe small talk about life, compliments, and sharing information about each other lives and hobbies with an exchange of smiles and laughs was just being friendly?......
How could I ever believe my time, conversations with him and enjoyment on my face I had just by being near him and talking to him was any real connection of intimacy
Why must I fall pray to either unrequited or deceptive love!!!
Why me?
Why must "love" be hard for me to find?
But it is so much easier for everyone else that is in my life?
People tell me to try find it or stop trying to find it , but no matter what it always fails regardless
I just want to have one moment in my life where my love was reciprocated back, when I'm able to have a genuine romance, a first time date, a stroll across the lake holding hands with a guy downtown the city, a moment where I feel wanted from someone who wanted me for me and not only for my body
I just wish this all wasn't so hard for me
I trusted my heart in believing it was love at first sight with a glimpse, but you failed to listen to your heart
I realize my hope to find love was still slowly dissipating into oblivion
You still hope and wish for another door to open but you keep putting a timing on it
You hope to stop counting the years of loneliness and singleness
I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying. Stop trying to believe change can come through If I keep seeking out for the one.
Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.
I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there. It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.
I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.
In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?
I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.
I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.
I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.
I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ? I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?
I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……
I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……
I always thought to myself why I must shake in fear. The fear of having anything that can have my heartbeat go from 80 to 122 beats per minute. This fear dreads from my perception of what it feels to step inside a place to check my health. Yes, you guessed it correctly I’m talking about the doctor’s office. I instantly feel my heartbeat increase so much that it’s as if my heartbeat through my chest and it’s almost like a hammer beating on a nail sometimes. The fear doesn’t even stop there because my anxiety makes me have multiple fears unfortunately. This fear of rejection is my second greatest fear. The more I get rejected from anything in my life such as jobs or love interests it becomes as if a knife becomes closer and closer to stabbing my chest. Once I get rejected too much it is as if the knife punctures through the skin off my chest and now, I’m bleeding. These fears together make my heart pound so much it’s as if someone is playing drums on it. Now it’s as if my body shuts down and now, I feel stuck. Stuck in a maze that has an endless route. I start to grasp for air and suddenly lose sight of how to even grasp for air correctly. As I struggle to grasp for even a liter of air, the endless puddle of tears comes dripping out my eyes. This fear of rejection and the fear of my health are just two of many triggers that can cause this overwhelming panic attack to occur. It is as if the human body can only emotionally take so much strain in the mind that it goes berserk if too much is put on it. I would love it if my heart wouldn’t run a race so much and so I can feel as if I’m okay. I wish it was that simple, but no it’s not for me. Anxiety plays a trick on my mind to tell my heart there is danger from these triggers and even my stomach and nervous system too. I wish for normalcy with my anxiety and soon hope my heart and my mind can stop running this race to an oblivion track route.
You start to feel the trigger as your brain hears that melody
The Melody from the kiss breakdown song from the movie you always adore and love because it made you release the emotions you have inside, but this melody is too strong for you to handle, and you realize it’s happening and you’re falling
You try to scream for it to stop but you couldn’t
You feel your chest flutter as you stand up
Your hands buzz like the sound of a bee
Then you gasp for air and struggle
You begin to feel the overwhelming tide of teardrops scatter across your face
You try to gasp for more air but no it’s still no good
You try to reach for the bed because your body is about to give up
It can’t handle the amount of oxygen leaving your brain
As your breathing begins to cascade downward even more
You crawl your way out of despair, and you finally reach the bed
But no, it doesn’t stop there are even more puddles of tears and now your whole body is shaking
Your heartbeat increases now
You hear it beat at the center of your chest
You try to tell your mind to stop it please stop it, but it doesn’t answer
It’s as if the start of this panic attack is at the climax
As you let it runs its course through your body now it’s as if your energy is depleted completely
Depleted your entire source of adrenaline that you had left in you and now it’s as if your legs can’t keep up with your brain and arms
Now you wonder to yourself
When will it happen again?
When will it stop?
Why must it happen now?
As your body rekindles itself
You sit there in silence
Great it happened again……
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