Marquise Linnear

“Desire for A Partner”

I don’t want to be seen only for non-relationship purposes
I want to be seen as potential partner 
I see guys who deceptively make me think they want me for me and mind and personality 

All they ever wanted really from me was my body 

My body was almost a laundering tool for perpetual men to get their nightly desire from 

I don’t want to be seen as that even though I clearly state that I’m not interested in that

I can’t even fathom the toll it has on me wanting to find my partner and wanted to be found by him 

It made me unable to see the world that “ love is possible” because I just can’t anymore and I weep a tear as I write this 

Internet men are so far worse than meet in person men but there is still no Total` faith that a in person man won’t act like an internet man 

Internet men is simply men you meet on social media or the internet and in person men is simply men you meet in person or face to face.

I told myself that internet men are the worst and try to wait for your in person man, but how when no one has the same desire for a relationship and love as me …

The desire for quality time , physical touch , acts of service and the other 2 languages of love I see displayed on tv makes it hard to believe I would find my tethered or in-person man in my life ……

“Hope For The Feeling of Love”

I want to feel  your touch 
The touch of your warm arms wrap around my neck as you pull me in close to your chest.

I  want to feel your arms wrap around  my back as you pull me in close and firmly into your neck & chest  and I smell the cologne you’re wearing.

I want you to grab my hand as we walk across the lake or beach and we see the stars shining glowing into the night while I lay my head on your shoulder.

I want to see you smile as you look me in my eyes to grace me with your devotion and expression in words of how much you love me.

I want to have my heart blossom and to smile so  hard like when I take a picture when he grace my presence with a gift,trip, and or a ring of marriage.  

I want to have these feelings and moments soon.
I just beg to god that it will happen and that my faith in finding this and more will come true…..

“Unrequited Love”

My heart bleeds a cut of your suffering. All I wanted to feel was love, but instead I felt a deep pain of your missed consumption .

I thought me and you can be united forever as one but looks like I was wrong.

We choose the love we think we deserve, well I can’t believe I thought I deserve your love.

I thought we can live in a place of infinity of love. Well I feel so stupid now cause all u were was a mistake,a lowlife piece of paper, so now how about you flee on to another path …instead of my path that I thought we will walk on together as one on ……

“The Detour of Pain”

They say that pain demands to be felt. Well pain is only felt when you’re going through turmoil of oblivion.
The oblivion that this world can possibly perpetually hurt you at any time without you knowing.
The only sign one can have is to trust their instinct that the environment their in won’t hurt them.
There are times in my life where I can’t understand why I have to be in pain.

Why was I the boy who beaten so bad in 2014 that I started to see black and white visions you see when you can’t find a channel on a tv with no signal?
Why was I the boy who who was degraded and bullied for the way he danced , looked, speak, walked, talked, and so much more during elementary school?
Why was I the boy who couldn’t even walk home from school during my 7th-8th grade year by myself because people would throw stuff at me?
Why was I that boy who endlessly tried to find love,but being constantly be told they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me but rather with someone else.?

I realized a lot of the answers to why to these questions but some don’t have a simple answer to unfortunately.
Pain demands to be felt but it’s how you choose to deal with that pain.
I realized that pain can damage you, but I realized it only made me put a strong defense from those who can possibly hurt me in the future.
Sometimes this guard can be taken down from the pure scale of the impact on my defense.

I soon wish one day, I won’t have to put up this guard so much especially to my future love of my life.

“Trying to Fill the Void ”

I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying.
Stop trying to believe change can come through
If I keep seeking out for the one.

Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.

I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would find a decent man there.
It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies.

I tell myself you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.

In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?

I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.

I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.

I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.

I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a relationship despair go away ?
I wonder if I can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?

I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……

I just need to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……

“ A Heart of Tears”

Part of my heart bleeds
It bleeds the tears of blood
Each drop is a memory
A memory of  unrequited infatuation 
A memory of hopeless infatuation 
A memory of shameful infatuation
I sometimes feel like it’s a curse 

A heart should never have to  sustain this torment.
The agony of people to make someone's heart dissolve so effortlessly like ice on a hot stove. 
A heart can only take so much until the damage is irreversible physically,spiritually, and even mentally. 

“Infatuation” runs with high risk, but “to love” runs an even greater risk to the heart if all doesn’t go well.
One must know if they are in danger of such torment, but how when some people hide their true intentions ?

To find love it’s apparently a game because you must seek what your heart wants,but you must listen to the affirmations and view the infatuation given to you and others.

“A Disappointed Dream”

I went to sleep and had a dream. 
A dream where I had  someone grabbed me into their arms and hugged me as if I was love of their life

Then they kissed me ever so effortlessly as if I was the love of their life or that they missed me so much like I been gone for year 

I took this whole feeling in as if it was real and it was finally happening to me. I’ve finally found my person, my second heart , my true love.

I started to cry in his arms as he embraced me and he told me “I’m so in love with you and don’t you ever forget that ever!”

I cry even more because I couldn’t believe it.
This is happening. Is this a dream?

Apparently it was a dream after all.
I wake up and I’m disappointed and sad.
The dream felt so real and so right to me.

The hug ,the kiss , the emotional connection I had with this man.

I wonder why I feel this dreaded disappointed feeling and I continue to have this feeling of disappointment for 4 hours straight.

I never want to have this disappointed feeling ever again and next time I want it to be real, true , genuine, and a passionate type of emotional connection of love.

“I Crave for Love”

There are days that I crave for love.
I get sucked back into that oblivion void of "missing out on what a relationship feels like"

Like the feeling of your heart beats when you see your special person and how does your mind and breathing change?

How hard do you smile, and your dimples pop out when you see your special person?
How does it feel to be wrapped around their arms as you burry your head in their chest and hear their heartbeat?
How does it feel to be able to grab their hand or go to them when you feel sad and need a huge & long embracing hug?

My mind constantly wonders about these things that I stated above so much and more that it starts to make me feel sad sometimes.
It makes me sad because I still don't know how it feels "do" does things, "feel" those things, and how long will it take to "feel" and "do" those things I stated above.

I even started to feel the temptations to download those apps again and thinking some men will help fill this void, but no I tell myself not one man on those apps cherishes my beliefs in "love".

I crave for the feeling of "love" not "fun", but apparently this generation of LGBTQ men believes it's almost impossible to find someone who has the same values as me in wanting "love".
I find it very sad I'm still wondering "What happened to love?" "Chivalry?" "Wanting genuine Dates and conversations?"

It shouldn't be that having "fun" is better than "love" nor should having "fun" be considered over "love" as living your life.

I'm shocked and still wondering who still cherish my beliefs & values of wanting "love" and how long would it take for me to find him? .....

“I want to Cry”

Love is such a beautiful thing.

Why must it be so hard  to find?

There are people in this world who put up this façade of "wanting love" but they really don't.

I'm able to now see  through this deception, but I wish I was able to in the past.
God, I wish I was able to even more better now because it feels like I want to cry.

I want to cry because I failed for the traps of "fake love".
I fell for guys who put up this wall wanting "fake love".

I want to cry because every time I watch a tv show or movie, I see how a boy gets hugged, kissed, or even holds hands with another person that I yearn so much for that it makes me want to cry.

To believe I could receive that from some man on an app.

I want to cry because I thought "love" would be easier for me but no only "to have fun" was easier.
I want to cry because I keep dreading this feeling of being an hopeless romantic  and still I'm craving for it when I see it displayed on a screen.

I want this feeling of loneliness, hopeless love, hopeless yearn for intimacy of a relationship to go away!

I however just don't know how and why I'm feeling like this and it hurts so bad that sometimes that tight feeing in my chest has returned and I want it to stop.....

“What Happened to Love….?”

I didn't understand how back in the day in the 60s-90s people were fonder of dating & relationships. Now in today's age it shifted to wanting "friends with benefits" or just wanting "fun". It was like the idea of "wanting to fall in love" is dying like a leaf when the season changes from spring to winter. There has to be a reason to what's causing love to die, but what are the "causes"?

Part of me wonders did the pandemic had something to do with this change. Was it the hardships people faced in their lives that is making people feel "love" is unnecessary? Do people feel like it's easier and less probable to drama to not be in a relationship?

"Chivalry" is even dying too and to be honest it was never so much of this in the LGBTQ community to begin with. I want to honestly experience this feeling soon with someone but I'm still so unhopeful I will get this and to feel "love" from someone.

I'm still even mad, confused, but most importantly hurt that my "love" & "infatuation" is being disregarded but not "my body" to men. I can even share a few examples below of how men treated me in just wanting a relationship to really wanting "my body" below:

1) I shared a part of my blogs to a guy and a day later he blocks me.

2) I tried talking to this guy for 13 days thinking it was going well until he showed his "true colors". I realized he didn't want me to be his "tethered" as he described in his profile because all he truly wanted from me was "my body" and nothing more.

I could go on and on for hours about how men put up this "facade" of what you want them to be. As soon as they see you're comfortable with them, they start to show their "true colors". Then you realize this isn't the person you liked or fell in love with and your shattered to pieces emotionally.

"Love" is dying and I'm just trying to understand why? I'm still seeking for it within my first relationship. I even started to realize that "love" sometimes fails, but I hope the number of heartbreaks I have is kept to a minimum. My heart can only take so much since it's so fragile like a piece of glass.

I wish for "love" and "chivalry" to arrive within "the one" for me soon. I just hope it's not in 20 years or more because my faith in finding love is dissipating......