Marquise Linnear

“Disconnect due to the Faults of a Loved One”

I tried to reconcile and was able to see a fault I played between us two

But you didn’t acknowledge all your faults towards me with your behavior

You tried to justify your “control” over my life by saying “The things you did for me in my past of my life after my father passed away till I turned 19” was a lot for you to deal with it and that I’m not allowed to say “stop helping you” when it comes to your work cause your job triumphs my mental health apparently…

You fail to see your words were all connected to your faults

You fail to see you pure intention to be there for me was fake and not genuine enough

I started to even realize even more you will never change your toxic “controlling” & “ Lack of respect for my mental health”

You sat their with a notion already of not willing to accept all your faults towards me before I even arrived to talk to you

Thus made me realize you will never change your toxic behavior due to your lack of emotional intelligence and I refuse to allow you in my life ever again

You failed to realize that yesterday night was our last conversation with each other until God decides our last day on earth

I hope your proud that you’ve lost an “adult” in your small circle that you trust in your life….

I hope your happy that you can sleep peacefully knowing you hurt my heart and my brain with your toxic behavior

I hope you’re happy that you’ve lost one of your precious nephews and hope you don’t lose the other 2 out of your life…

I have no regrets removing you out of my life for the sake of my mental health, peace, and independence of my life

I just can’t believe you fail to realize your words you said to me in person was no different then your words you said via through text message……

“I’m Tired”

Im tired of people saying I don’t have the right to say how I feel due to my age (24) to someone who’s is older than me by 10 or 20 years.

Im tired of people making me feel pressured, feel unfair, and feel small at work

Im tired of people telling me to let go of the heartache and how it all ended because it’s not that easy……especially if it was my first one

Im tired of people telling me I’m looking for love and that I shouldn’t and maybe I am cause want to feel and have what others have and maybe cause Im lonely ; thats why I did search for it and is that so wrong….

Im so tired of having to be triggered from all the things above stated

Im tired that I keep crying when I get triggered or when I can’t stop thinking about it all

I’m tired of feeling this emotional pain it’s like getting hit in the chest by a car ….

I’m just tired of having to go through this and I want an out from feeling this pain in my heart

“I Wish you Could See”

I wish you could see

That even though it was so easy for you to leave 

Did you ever try to think about the aftermath?
Have you ever thought about leaving me sooner to save me my energy and time?
Did you  ever truly think about me in a romantic way?
Lastly, why did you take me out the picture so quickly like it was so effortless in just 4 hours of decision making?

I have so many questions I know that will never be answered 
But I wish you could see you left me with a broken heart with pieces all over the floor at orange theory, at work, at my home, at my Aunt's home, at certain restaurants we went to, at my moms house … just everywhere I went that I thought about you and our relationship 

I wish you could see that you tore a part of me out that made me believe love is fair 
Because I know that it isn’t and it will never be especially for me 

I wish you could see that you made it hard for me to do certain things in my life and I’m repairing the damage that you did on my life , my heart, and my mind 

I wish you could see 
That I never want to meet you again
I wish you could see how great I  was to you 

I wish you could see how you gave up on someone who gave it their all for you through all your personal traumas in your life 

I wish you could see how I regret saying “I’ll be there for you through the good and bad” 
Because you never really cared about me saying that to you 

I started to realize overall I was easily nothing to you after that 2nd month of our relationship when the personal trauma happened 

 I wish you could see you will never be nothing more to me but a broken memory of what I thought my 1st first  love could be  
Because you will now remain a broken and regretful mistake I gave a chance on to enter in my life 

I wish you could see that exactly now…

“It’s Not Fair”

It doesn't make sense
It's not fair to be the one who is hurting, and they get to go on with their lives happy and possibly with somebody else

It's not fair that you've have to fix your broken heart after they broke it

It's not fair that you've have to learn how to unlearn a schedule you had with them now

It's not fair 
How love is easily found for some people but for you it's a constant turmoil of trials and tribulations

It's not fair that God gave you an ounce of what a relationship feels like but couldn't even give you pound of what it feels like to be in one
God couldn't even give your 1st relationship at least 6 months, but only 4.5 months....

It's not fair
How love destroys your mental health sometimes
Now you wonder maybe just like how "life isn't fair" it must be the same way as saying "love isn't fair"
Especially to those who sincerely deserves it and need it in their life....

“Heartache”

I’m both shattered and broken

This is how you made me feel now

You ripped me off like I was bandaid

Easy and fast but with minimal aftermath feeling of pain

No warnings

No signs

Just upright shoved me out of your life

Like I was a piece paper being balled up and thrown in the trash

No hesitation

Not even a look of regret

Not even a call to explain it all

My reminders of being there for you through the burdens of your life

Merely had no meaning to you

My vulnerability was wide open to you

But you decided to close off yours

I tried and tried to help you and be there

For you through your burdens

You kept me in the closet of your despair

You shoved me out of your existence

You reminded that our relationship was

And will never be nothing to you ever again

You hurt me

You caused an ache like no other

Right in the center of my chest

Like a knife twisting and turning into my heart

How could you?

How could you be similar like the others

Two faced and deceptive

This pain you felt is now inflicted upon me

I hate you

But most of all

I hate you for appearing in my life

And destroying most of the little hope of finding “love” I have left

Even more than last time

“I Hate”

You made me give up 2 things I love in my life

You prance around in the office as if you didn't obliterate the things I cared about and love being with

How am I supposed to continue to be fake saying "Hi"?
When I don't want to and just want to say "Bye"?

I can't stand to be in a room near you 
I can't stand hearing about your life and how you believe work should triumph most of a person's life

I hate the way you smirk and say "We need to generate more revenue by working more and more"

I hate you 
Not even a little 
But honestly a lot
But I mostly hate you for taking away my passion of dance and I will never forgive you for that ever

I hate the way how god took away something from my boyfriend that he loves

I hate so deeply how its hurting him to deal with this and I can't do anything about it

But I mostly hate how I can't control the misfortunes of life and that I have to move on .....

“I’m Worthy”

Finally the moment where the scars from all the deceptive pawns faded away

They faded away because I believe I finally found someone who likes me for me ; for my exterior and interior features

Someone who wants to know me for my heart and mind and not for only my body

He made me realize I’m worthy of affection and infatuation 

He made me realize I’m worthy to be in a relationship and to go on dates

He made me realize I’m worthy enough for genuine romance and intimacy

I was losing my faith of being in a relationship drastically as every year passed

I can now feel the relief uplift from my heart

I realize I always deserve this feeling of being wanted for an relationship and intimacy

I will continue to pray for abundance of infatuation, intimacy, and a moment to have him say that 4 letter word to me in the near future……

“You Wonder & Wish”

All your life you wonder if anyone will want you for your interior and exterior and not only your exterior

Every year you wonder will your person show up before you turn a year older

You was starting to lose faith in the idea of finding love that you were starting to believe you’ll be single forever

It was until a glimpse of hope arrived on your phone

This man you found on a dating app and he likes you for more than your physical attributes but he likes you for interior attributes as well

He gives you hope that “love is possible” to happen between you two

You’ve dreamed of this moment since you were 15 years old

You’ve finally broke out of the dreadful cycle of seeing deceptive pawns

You’ve realized since you’ve finally found your “potential” long term partner will he truly be your one and only “long term partner” now…

Will investing your time and energy will be worth it if it doesn’t work out after 3 months

You hope and wish for the first man that saw you for your heart and looks is “your person” and you believe it can be finally him ….

God forbids my heart from being shattered into a million pieces if our relationship doesn’t work out

“The Look”

It was the look he gave her 
His eyes lit up as he saw her
His smile grew bigger as her saw her 
It was like you weren't even in his field of vision
You were like an invisible cloak to him


You started to realize he does truly love her
he will never like you
It was never a chance for you and him to be one

You will never have the slightest chance for him to be one your one and only
You will never have a chance for him to get to know you on an emotional and intimate level

You're starting to despise your heart for falling for a man
A man that has unrequited feelings for you
You despise your brain for hoping for a disconnect between his lover and him

You just want to dispel all the feelings you had for him in your heart
You want to forget all the conversations you had with him in your memory
You want to carve out your eyes because you don't want to see the moment of a proposal happening between his lover and him


You wish you never had saw "the look"
The look that showed you love will never be possible for you and him ever...

“Repressing your Feelings”

You repressed your feelings you had for him because you know the chances for him to like you back was slim to none

But those feelings are dwelling back into your heart because he's trying to be your friend...



You're starting to fall for the acts of service he provides to you

The kindness in his heart for wanting to get to know you

The thoughtfulness he shows in remembering the small details about you

You want to wrap your mind, your heart, and your happiness you have about him into a box that you'll never have to open up again



You wonder how you can break the strings of your heart that is attached to him
You wonder how you can destroy the imaginative romance images you have about him in your mind
You wonder how you can dispel your infatuation for him into oblivion

You know its a curse to fall for a heterosexual man because it will almost always be unrequited infatuation

You wish you could have a distraction from thinking about him
You wish you've never lay eyes on him when you first saw him


You just want a distraction,a disappearance of your feelings for him, a way to destroy your thoughts and feelings you have about him

But How?
How and why am I put in this predicament God?
I pray for a solution, a calling, an answer to my suffering 


I don’t know if I can repress my feelings and deal with this unrequited infatuation….