The eyes of some men only desire my flesh. Their minds are tailored to one objective, and that is my body. I can’t quite understand how a deeply loving mindset and heart can provide such a strong connection, only to be degraded and dismissed like an empty surface. It’s because my flesh is more critical to the naked eyes of some men. I once thought it would be different for me as a gay man, but I learned years ago that this struggle will be everlasting. Some men can’t even fathom holding a deep conversation or building a genuine connection. There’s a lack of conversational effort, vagueness, and surface-level words. I find myself spinning, searching for even a small grace of reciprocation for all the energy I’m pouring into the conversation. It seems that building a connection is too exhausting for some men, even at the very beginning. Weaving the threads of something meaningful feels too much work, so they retreat into vagueness, assuming you’ll stick around for whatever scraps they give. I’ve found that many men elicit their desire for flesh more readily than their desire for connection, because it’s easier. They don’t realize how much damage they cause with this cycle, how selfishly they destroy someone else’s hopes and needs just to serve themselves. A person should be desired for how their personality shines through conversation. The desires of the flesh shouldn’t come first, not in the beginning stages. Building connections and deepening them through meaningful dialogue and shared experiences should be the standard. When you fail to offer that and show up with selfishness and greed instead of presence and care, you drain the hope and joy from someone’s heart. Love should be possible. But as I’ve learned, it’s much harder to obtain because some men’s eyes and minds are blinded by selfishness, lack of decorum, and disrespect.
Tears rushed like a river off the cliff briskly from one eye As you saw the barrier
Another formed in your mind, cluttered with numerous negativities and endless hope of escaping. This causes another tear to form swiftly out of your other eye.
Your thoughts rumble with more and more things that are barriers to your escape from the demise of your freedom and peace
All you ever wanted to grace your spirit for a moment of tranquility in your heart, so the beats you hear in your chest can slow down and you wouldn’t have to hear the impending beats pound in your ear as you lie down.
You want your mind to escape the thoughts of hopelessness that maybe your peace won’t come at all. It is so hard to believe in this when one detrimental, whether tiny or big, thing happens then another comes along right after.
You want clarity in your spirit, you want happiness to be embedded in your heart, and you want ease and lack of unhappy thoughts to control your brain.
You just wish for the peace and freedom to be in a better place and have some of the things you hope for and some of the things you sacrificed
You just wonder when it will come as your patience tightens like the width of a pencil
I'm trying to get the images of us I had in my head Out of my head
I wanted it to be real I wanted to feel it Feel the warmth of your heart with my head near your chest
I just wanted to have a win Where someone I like…. like me back
The feelings are disappearing….but slowly
As I talk to you more and more it gets harder to erase the romantic images of us Out of my mind
I'm trying to destroy my feelings for you, but the hard part is that I don't want it to go away
It was your smile
Your presence as you walked onto the sand As you walked closer and closer to me The feelings I had for you were so strong at that moment
But I know I can't see you in that way anymore Because the clarity was stated already I have let go of my hopes and dreams I had thought about having with you
I wanted it to be you so badly Until I understood last week that you didn't want it to be me I will get through this, but I'm not sure how long this will take for me………
To seek a person in crush form type of way but to find out more about the person and Only to find out that person will never see you in the same way that you see them
They will never see you in a romantic way They will never talk to you or hang out with you in the ways you replayed over and over in your haead about them and you
I will never be sought out for nor communicated romantically with by him.
I’m so glad I retrieved my clarity, and now I am no longer confused about his perceptions and intentions
I just wish this cycle of misfortune would stop from happening to me.
But I realized I can’t control how my heart felt for a guy in the beginning
Because I feel too much and overthink too
Part of me is so glad that no matter how much I did like him, I could never open my mouth to say it to him
I saved my integrity and from embarrassment by not doing so
God, I wish for just one time for me to crush on a guy, and they actually like me back because now my track record is 0 out of 7 instead of 0 out of 6
I feel this is and will be, unfortunately, repeated misfortune for me, and I don’t know if I can deal with another failure of crushing on the wrong guy……
You didn’t even notice any at all Or maybe you did notice Or maybe it’s not obvious at all
I want to pour my heart out so much to you
But I can’t because nothing comes out
Because I’m so afraid if it’s unrequited I’m afraid of getting hurt To know that the feeling isn’t mutual
To know the fantasy images and videos I replayed in my head about us two will never even happen To know it will never even be possible to happen Once I know the answer if I were to ask you
I know this feeling of unrequited crushing because this happens frequently to me every couple of years I crush on a guy and they typically never like me back especially if I’m the one who state how they feel first
I starting to dislike this cycle of crushing on a guy because it doesn’t seem to work out for me
But I can’t seem to prevent my heart from crushing on a guy is the only issue ……
Like a leaf on a tree starts to turn brown and crinkle as it gets closer to fall
Change is inevitable for nature
Change for us humans happens sporadically and instantly changes our mood depending on how we react
Change comes with having to make sacrifices Sacrifices that kept you as a whole and sane and sacrifices that taught you so many life lessons
But with so many sacrifices comes unbelievable pain for each you gave up
You may repress the thoughts and emotions by keeping busy, but unfortunately, they tend to come back at some point in a dauntingly aggressive way
The emotions tend to fill your body like a glass of water slowly as each day passes by until it is full Your heart, chest, and stomach are packed with so much water that it explodes out because you see the water is overflowing
It's overflowing because you bottled up your emotions and did not express your sorrow and grief about the sacrifices you made
It doesn't even help that everyday life situations, people, movies, and social media send reminders to you of what you lost and what you can't have at the moment
You know these sacrifices were made for your future and that you have to look at life at what greatness is coming or the greatness you are about to do soon
Eventually, the sorrow you feel due to the sacrifices tends to dissipate, but the length of the process is unknown, and I wonder when it will happen for me……
Your heart is so excited, but your mind is questioning it all about him
Your mind is saying uncertainty lies underneath this guy, but your heart says to seek out this guy in a romantic way
The unfortunate part of being in the lgbtq community is the uncertainty we have to deal with about the sexuality of a person before approaching them
I feel like I'm being trapped in this loop constantly every 2 or 4 years with every guy I meet of not knowing and figuring out that person wasn't didn't have the same sexuality as me
Some may confuse this ideal as being delusional because it's obvious to know whether a man is attracted to the same sex or tell us simply to ask, but it's not that simple for non-hetero people
The uncertainty of this all is frustrating for me, and I'm pretty sure not only do I feel this
There are days I think to myself, Man, dating might be easier if I was a woman, but no, it's hard for everyone… Everyone faces some degree of uncertainty of their own, and the way to be sure is to have the mental guts to find out or to let God guide you and show you the explanation, or don't do anything at all and shove all your feelings back into your heart and romantic thoughts back in your mind
I wish, and I hope. I know that is all I can do. I weep, and I dream of the day. The day I finally feel, see, and believe love is possible. I still weep and dream of my past because it deteriorated my belief that love is possible. I shout into the unknown in my mind. Can I feel what I see in a fictional media representation of love? Is it possible to have someone’s eyes gaze at you the first moment they know you are the one for them? Is it possible to have more than a bit of infinity of romance with a particular person in life? Can I be seen for more than just my external features but also my internal components? Is love buried deep into a hole of oblivion for me, and will it always be this way? I know I’m not supposed to think about love, and I’m supposed to focus on myself and that I’m only 25, but I can’t help my heart from wanting to share it with someone else in this scary world we live in. How long will my weeps, worries, and dreams continue before my actual prince awaits me in real life?
It’s still hard to believe that I have to maintain distance from certain people to support my emotions
It doesn’t make sense how, in this world if you don’t set boundaries with individuals, then you will have people cross you wrong or hurt you
This past year, I’ve had to constantly reiterate my boundaries and Unfortunately, one person in particular failed to respect it
I don’t take lightly to anyone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, regardless of if I share the same blood as them
Unfortunately, some people I share blood with failed to see and don’t even try to fully see my pain but instead, only value the person who disrespected my boundaries, my feelings, and my mental health
It brings me so much pain to have people fail to realize that I’m still in pain from the aftermath of that individual, but now I’m in pain because people don’t get it still
I understand I can’t control and force people to get my side of the story
But it doesn’t feel good, and it’s getting overly exhausting to have to explain my feelings and boundaries over and over again. It makes me think that my Emotions and pain don’t matter…
I just want to be by myself a lot lately cause of how much pain and anger I have in me from people who failed to respect my boundaries, view my beliefs, my anger, and my pain
It angers me and hurts me so much that I have dreams about getting vengeance on those who don’t respect my boundaries and push them
I even have thoughts about moving away to another city to get away from family and friends and just be on my own and start fresh
I know the things I stated above will only be a temporary fix to my feelings
But God, I just want this pain to go away again that I feel in my chest…
Because maybe my mind didn’t want my heart to feel the pain I was going to feel when I processed it….
It was yet again the second time in July I was taken up by a guy mostly for external pleasures only….
I realized dating apps was of no use for me anymore in my life
Men would lure their eyes on my appearance and say they looked at my profile but some would look at my profile just to obtain their external desire they have on me…
It took these 2 men to make it clear to me that love is dying and finding a pure relationship from a genuine person is dying in this generation and even in millennials too….
It breaks my heart apart ….
Because every encounter I had that I wasn’t even trying to look for and did look for ended up exactly like the cycle I been in..
An endless cycle of men wanting me for non relationship purposes….but for my body mainly…
I would block and delete these men so effortlessly out my life but I realized it’s getting very tiring having to do this so much in this dreadful cycle…..
It’s been 4 months since my breakup of my first relationship via from tinder that lasted only 5 months and I still tend to wonder what was the point of that small length of intimacy….
I now get jealous,unhappy, and even frustrated again when I see couples and when my friends talk about their newly or continuing relationships…
I just wish I had a person to hold hands with, smile with, joke with, go on dates with, take car rides with , and travel the world with….
I get upset seeing examples of relationships and intimacy that I haven’t even obtain yet on tv or in person
I know I have a whole life ahead of me but going through this cycle makes it seem it’s not even possible to have a true long term relationship….
I hate to even say it but I believe love is dying but think it is for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true, long term, and genuine relationship that I dreamed about since I was 13 years old…..
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