“Trying to Fill the Void ”

I try to tell myself everyday to stop trying.
Stop trying to believe change can come through 
If I keep seeking out for the one.

Maybe I could stop this repetitive loop of feeling “lonely” by downloading a dating app again.

I still feel this urge to keep trying to believe I would  find a decent man there.
It sometimes gets to a point where I feel like I do, but in the end the conversation dies. 

I tell myself  you know the outcome so just have low expectations for men and get yourself a dog. I’m even struggling to figure out how to raise the dog once it’s required of me to go back to the office.

In my mind I have a plan to conquer this feeling of not having a boyfriend by having a dog once I get an apartment but what if it doesn’t work out?

I tell myself that I have to believe that things will fall in place and not to think about the worst outcome every time something good happens to me.

I tell myself that those men on the apps aren’t going to change. You will get the ones who won’t respond back, who will only want a small conversation, who are on the down low, who only want you for your body, who wants to be friends with benefits, and lastly who claims to want relationship but doesn’t even make it past a week before not responding back again.

I could keep trying to believe in something , matter fact someone won’t be like the examples I described above but no …..nothing changed.

I wonder will a dog help the loneliness / longing feeling of a  relationship despair go away ?
I wonder if I  can keep myself occupied and keep my mind off this feeling ?

I really wonder how I can try to keep this awful feeling away ? I know to work on and focus on myself only but the feeling keeps coming back to haunt me like a curse or something lurking in the shadow of me……


I just need  to stop and tell myself do you , work on you, enjoy you because the main thing that matters is you so stop trying to feel the void……