I went to sleep and had a dream. A dream where I had someone grabbed me into their arms and hugged me as if I was love of their life
Then they kissed me ever so effortlessly as if I was the love of their life or that they missed me so much like I been gone for year
I took this whole feeling in as if it was real and it was finally happening to me. I’ve finally found my person, my second heart , my true love.
I started to cry in his arms as he embraced me and he told me “I’m so in love with you and don’t you ever forget that ever!”
I cry even more because I couldn’t believe it. This is happening. Is this a dream?
Apparently it was a dream after all. I wake up and I’m disappointed and sad. The dream felt so real and so right to me.
The hug ,the kiss , the emotional connection I had with this man.
I wonder why I feel this dreaded disappointed feeling and I continue to have this feeling of disappointment for 4 hours straight.
I never want to have this disappointed feeling ever again and next time I want it to be real, true , genuine, and a passionate type of emotional connection of love.
As you look at the window when the train passes the tall green trees, the big blue skies, and the sun serenading the ground
You say to yourself wow doesn’t that look like a peaceful scenery
You try to imagine your mood to resemble this scenery, but you can’t
You try to wrap your hands over your eyes as you feel the warmth come over them because you know it’s the start of the puddle of tears about to come
You try not to cry and listen to music that could resemble the scenery but no still no good
As you see the autumn leaves trickle off the tree and see the changes of the colors you start to see how it resembles your mood
There are days when you can do it all and days where you feel stuck like a burnt colored orange leaf stuck in the dirty sewer
You try to lay your head down as you await your final destination and try to sleep away this overwhelming feeling but no still no good
You try to tell yourself it’s alright and to not let the waterworks start in public because you don’t want no one to see but you can’t the tears are escaping
You try to figure out why do you feel like this, and you wonder is it because I miss the pill?
Is it because I’ve held onto these emotions for too long?
Is it because I have to go to a pre surgery appointment?
Or is it because you felt like you couldn’t fit in well with your best friend's group of school friends and you felt stuck?
You wonder and try to let the emotions not overflow your body because you don’t want the look of embarrassment and someone to ask, “Are you okay sweetie?”
You want to feel fine, but your mind says no, and your second voice says no too
You want to feel happy inside but it’s as if You’ve been trapped inside a dark, deep hollow closet trapped in your own despair of negative thinking
You wish for a reason, a chance to feel normal because you don’t, you just don’t and maybe that’s okay to not feel okay sometimes
You try to tell yourself “Love oneself now in this moment and to forget the past like it’s trash”
You see relief and you see a sigh of hopeful joy
You wonder if you can have more good days than bad days, but you realize you don’t have 100% control of your life ….
