“The Dismay of Love Trials”

It was if I was tested.
Tested on whether I should continue to seek “love” or let it seek “me”.
I come across people I find attractive every single time, but I remind myself that it wont end in the way that you think.
There are times when I see chances of what could have been something with a particular guy.

Then I realize it will not end in the way how I want it to be at all because he just using me.
I tell myself to stop thinking every person you potentially meet and that could potentially find me attractive will hurt me or just want my body for “fun” or whatever amusement they want from me.

I know this world is scary and I am bound to have a heartbreak, but God that is scary as hell to believe my heart could not even take a simple man not wanting me for “love”.
Can you imagine how my heart would be once I get in a relationship, and it do not work out after a year or two?
I would be devastated that tightening feeling around my chest would stay even longer!

I know I have focus on the good with this all but god. Do I have too emotion with every person I find attractive and talk to just at a first glance?
This is a major flaw in my personality of putting all my emotions once I meet someone attractive. I must learn to hold back the depth of my emotions, or I would continue to feel like a knife is being stabbed in my chest after a failed attempt of being in my first relationship

I feel like being a “hopeless romantic” is what everyone wants because we put our all in to showing you, we like or love you. The con of being a “hopeless romantic” is that since we put our all in to liking or loving someone, we start to see it does not work out like we play it in our heads, we are instantly crushed like a squirrel that was killed by a car’s tire.

I just want to stop playing this stupid game, test, or trial of having to know whether any person I find attractive will hurt me, even though I cannot tell when or where I will get hurt by them.
I know I must let life and God show me not everyone will hurt me and that I know I still have not met all the people who are going to love me in my life.

I just wish sometimes I didn't feel as much as you're supposed to when you first talk to someone you really like....