“I Hope and I Wish”

I hope it will be you. 
Maybe you could be the one.
The one that would finally allow me to get off these god-awful apps.
To be the one who liked me as much as I like you 
I want you to be the one to take me on my first date.
The one to hold my hand on a night out downtown or in a movie.
The one who will make me blush with just the first glance they have when they look at me. 

I say to myself “Marquise why are you constantly looking at the phone for him to text back?”
I tell myself to stop it and enjoy your day before your shoulder surgery tomorrow.

I try telling myself the following:
If he cared, he would have responded to check up on you and see how you’re doing.
People that genuinely want to get to know you would try to do so.

I started to wonder if he is even the person that he claims, and I even tried to find him but no results. I’m even wondering if I am getting catfish. I tell myself how when he said he would meet in person to tell me more about himself. 

I still look at my phone just hopelessly wondering is he the person that he says he is? Does he have the same virtues and expectations as me in what I’m looking for? Does he just want me for my “love” or my “body”?

I tell myself to stop worrying about this, but I don’t want to because it’s keeping my mind occupied about my shoulder surgery tomorrow.
It just brings me to tears that I keep expecting high hopes for things to change on these apps if I give myself a break from it. It seems like every time I get back on them, I hope and wish for someone to be “different” and to match my virtues & values but no “it never fails”. I bring myself to tears wishing for a moment in my life where I felt so appreciated, like in high school, that someone like me back. I force myself to believe I will probably get that same feeling from someone on these apps soon. 
Maybe I just need to stop it once for all, but I’m still wondering how to cope with this all. This dreaded feeling of being single, but I only feel like this every once or twice a year, but I wish to stop feeling like this forever.

I want to feel happy that I’m finally getting relief with my arm, but I also want to feel relieved knowing if he will be my first relationship or just another horny guy…...