“Autumn Mood”

As you look at the window when the train passes the tall green trees, the big blue skies, and the sun serenading the ground   

You say to yourself wow doesn’t that look like a peaceful scenery 

You try to imagine your mood to resemble this scenery, but you can’t 

You try to wrap your hands over your eyes as you feel the warmth come over them because you know it’s the start of the puddle of tears about to come 

You try not to cry and listen to music that could resemble the scenery but no still no good 


As you see the autumn leaves trickle off the tree and see the changes of the colors you start to see how it resembles your mood

There are days when you can do it all and days where you feel stuck like a burnt colored orange leaf stuck in the dirty sewer  

You try to lay your head down as you await your final destination and try to sleep away this overwhelming feeling but no still no good


You try to tell yourself it’s alright and to not let the waterworks start in public because you don’t want no one to see but you can’t the tears are escaping 


You try to figure out why do you feel like this, and you wonder is it because I miss the pill?

Is it because I’ve held onto these emotions for too long?

Is it because I have to go to a pre surgery appointment?

Or is it because you felt like you couldn’t fit in well with your best friend's group of school friends and you felt stuck?


You wonder and try to let the emotions not overflow your body because you don’t want the look of embarrassment and someone to ask, “Are you okay sweetie?”


You want to feel fine, but your mind says no, and your second voice says no too


You want to feel happy inside but it’s as if You’ve been trapped inside a dark, deep hollow closet trapped in your own despair of negative thinking 


You wish for a reason, a chance to feel normal because you don’t, you just don’t and maybe that’s okay to not feel okay sometimes


You try to tell yourself “Love oneself now in this moment and to forget the past like it’s trash” 

You see relief and you see a sigh of hopeful joy

You wonder if you can have more good days than bad days, but you realize you don’t have 100% control of your life ….